I need some unbiased opinions...

HannaBelle

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 8, 2007
My younger brother and I married siblings, so we have the same in-laws. Our mother in law recently passed away from a very long battle with Stiff Person's Syndrome. Our father in law is now moving in to my younger brother's home (with my husband's younger sister) to live with them.

I am hosting the "Maiden Name" side of the family for Thanksgiving on the Saturday after Thanksgiving Day and then Christmas on the Saturday after Christmas.

My sister in law is hosting Thanksgiving the "Married Name" side at her place on Thanksgiving Day and on Christmas Day.

Each side of the family has additional extended family that will be attending holiday events. I would prefer not to combine and just have one big gathering. Is it reasonable for my father in law to attend all events with the "Maiden Name" side?

To be perfectly honest, I really don't want him at EVERYTHING. Am I off base about this?

What say the Dis?
 
My younger brother and I married siblings, so we have the same in-laws. Our mother in law recently passed away from a very long battle with Stiff Person's Syndrome. Our father in law is now moving in to my younger brother's home (with my husband's younger sister) to live with them.

I am hosting the "Maiden Name" side of the family for Thanksgiving on the Saturday after Thanksgiving Day and then Christmas on the Saturday after Christmas.

My sister in law is hosting Thanksgiving the "Married Name" side at her place on Thanksgiving Day and on Christmas Day.

Each side of the family has additional extended family that will be attending holiday events. I would prefer not to combine and just have one big gathering. Is it reasonable for my father in law to attend all events with the "Maiden Name" side?

To be perfectly honest, I really don't want him at EVERYTHING. Am I off base about this?

What say the Dis?


Any of my inlaws would be welcome at any family gathering in my home, regardless of side.

Now my own maiden name family, hmmm, I might have some that I'd prefer not come.

Uncle bbbbb, I'm looking at you.:duck:
 
I think now that he lives with your brother and SIL he is part of their “core family”. Any holiday event you’d invite your brother+SIL too, he should be invited to as well unless they come up with their own arrangement about what he/they want to bow out of.
 


Is there a reason you don't want him there? Does he have other family members to spend the day with? If it were me I wouldn't have a problem with him being there. Especially after just losing his wife. But I've never had a problem combining families.
I would prefer to have time with just my family. I did not have a great relationship with my MIL, she was an unhappy and judgmental person that loved to be the center of attention. I do not enjoy my FIL's company. He takes 20 minutes to answer a yes or no question.

My SIL and her family may or may not be in town. They will stay with my brother and SIL. Aside from that, there is no one else he would spend time with.

If it was just my parents, him, my family and my brother's family, there would not be an issue. But there are 4 other families involved that are not related to each other in any way. They have met, they are friendly but not related and have nothing in common other than my family of 4 and my bother's family of 4.
 
I think now that he lives with your brother and SIL he is part of their “core family”. Any holiday event you’d invite your brother+SIL too, he should be invited to as well unless they come up with their own arrangement about what he/they want to bow out of.

This is my brother's stance. I have not discussed with my husband or my SIL.

My mother agrees with my brother, but is not pleased.
 


Why is it a problem? I would invite him to every event. The man just lost his wife and had to move.

This. He's had a tough year. Is it such an imposition to have him there? I'm sure it's not how you mean it, but it comes across as selfish. Many years, we've had the odd relative (or friend) for the holidays. My sister's husband's mom was at every one of "our"family gatherings--I can't imagine leaving her out of a celebration.
 
My younger brother and I married siblings, so we have the same in-laws. Our mother in law recently passed away from a very long battle with Stiff Person's Syndrome. Our father in law is now moving in to my younger brother's home (with my husband's younger sister) to live with them.

I am hosting the "Maiden Name" side of the family for Thanksgiving on the Saturday after Thanksgiving Day and then Christmas on the Saturday after Christmas.

My sister in law is hosting Thanksgiving the "Married Name" side at her place on Thanksgiving Day and on Christmas Day.

Each side of the family has additional extended family that will be attending holiday events. I would prefer not to combine and just have one big gathering. Is it reasonable for my father in law to attend all events with the "Maiden Name" side?

To be perfectly honest, I really don't want him at EVERYTHING. Am I off base about this?

What say the Dis?
In my opinion if he's living with folks that are attending both/all events, then I would def invite him to both as well. I think it'd be really awkward not to since he's living with them....now of course he could always decline, but I'd invite him to whatever the other2 adult's at that house are invited to.
 
This. He's had a tough year. Is it such an imposition to have him there? I'm sure it's not how you mean it, but it comes across as selfish. Many years, we've had the odd relative (or friend) for the holidays. My sister's husband's mom was at every one of "our"family gatherings--I can't imagine leaving her out of a celebration.
This is what I am looking for, some hard truth.

I am being selfish and I don't want him to come. This year will set a precedent and once we cross this line, there is no going back.

I don't see any gracious or sensitive way to justify excluding him. If my brother took in a stranger off of the street, I would never consider NOT inviting them. They would be welcome with open arms and hugs at the door. I am just being a horrible person and letting my bad relationship with my MIL cloud my luke warm relationship with my FIL. :guilty::guilty::guilty:
 
This is what I am looking for, some hard truth.

I am being selfish and I don't want him to come. This year will set a precedent and once we cross this line, there is no going back.

I don't see any gracious or sensitive way to justify excluding him. If my brother took in a stranger off of the street, I would never consider NOT inviting them. They would be welcome with open arms and hugs at the door. I am just being a horrible person and letting my bad relationship with my MIL cloud my luke warm relationship with my FIL. :guilty::guilty::guilty:
Your MIL is gone. Sometimes it's time to let go of the old patterns. It's a new day. I don't think you will regret it if you decide to be kind and welcoming.
 
You are not a bad person to have the feelings, but you know what you need to do. Since he lives with your brother, he gets invited. The familial relation doesn't even really matter in this case, but it adds another layer of obligation.

It gets interesting when you get "double connections." Our family has some of those too.
 
I think now that he lives with your brother and SIL he is part of their “core family”. Any holiday event you’d invite your brother+SIL too, he should be invited to as well unless they come up with their own arrangement about what he/they want to bow out of.

this is 100%what I think too. Just think of him as their annoying child. You don’t have to love him, just put up with him. And try to just let it roll off your back. Or invite enough people you can avoid him for most part ;).
 
This is what I am looking for, some hard truth.

I am being selfish and I don't want him to come. This year will set a precedent and once we cross this line, there is no going back.

I don't see any gracious or sensitive way to justify excluding him. If my brother took in a stranger off of the street, I would never consider NOT inviting them. They would be welcome with open arms and hugs at the door. I am just being a horrible person and letting my bad relationship with my MIL cloud my luke warm relationship with my FIL. :guilty::guilty::guilty:

I don't think you are a horrible person--just human. It looks like you already know what the right answer is. I am sorry, though, that it adds an extra layer of emotion to your gatherings.
 
This is what I am looking for, some hard truth.

I am being selfish and I don't want him to come. This year will set a precedent and once we cross this line, there is no going back.

I don't see any gracious or sensitive way to justify excluding him. If my brother took in a stranger off of the street, I would never consider NOT inviting them. They would be welcome with open arms and hugs at the door. I am just being a horrible person and letting my bad relationship with my MIL cloud my luke warm relationship with my FIL. :guilty::guilty::guilty:
:scratchin The one thing that strikes me is how you keep referring to them as your MIL & FIL - no reference to the fact that these are your husband's parents. Out of respect for him, who is likely grieving his mother and may actually want to be closer to his dad this year, tell your DH your feelings and let him decide. If he agrees that it would be best to exclude his dad, let him explain it to them.
 
Last edited:

GET A DISNEY VACATION QUOTE

Dreams Unlimited Travel is committed to providing you with the very best vacation planning experience possible. Our Vacation Planners are experts and will share their honest advice to help you have a magical vacation.

Let us help you with your next Disney Vacation!





Latest posts

Top