How to get out of Christmas--UPDATED OCT 1 page 5

quandrea

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jun 24, 2010
Just posting to see if anyone has any advice on how I might get out of hosting/spending Christmas Eve with my sisters.

We have a very strained relationship due to a split in the family that occurred almost three years ago.

Additionally, my youngest sister completely ignored the birthdays of my husband, daughter and twins this year. Even a text would have sufficed and it's left me very hurt. I plan on speaking to her about this the next time she gets in touch. So not sure what the outcome of that conversation will be.

As a result I really don't feel like spending this special day with them but I'm not sure how to approach the issue.

If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.

Sent the email today. Haven't heard back yet.
 
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You can be honest and say you will be laying low this year for Christmas. You can also go out to eat Christmas Eve to a nice restaurant or leave town for a few days.
 


You can be honest and say you will be laying low this year for Christmas. You can also go out to eat Christmas Eve to a nice restaurant or leave town for a few days.
I've been leaning towards the laying low approach. Thank you.
 


Convert to Judaism. Just kidding, just let them know - like now -that you aren't doing it this year. You don't need any excuses. You gotta run your own life!
Asserting the need to run my own life is kind of the crux of the issues with my family. But yes, I agree with you and will let them know in the next week or so. Can't do it this year.
 
My advice is to host a get-together on an alternate date before or after the holy day. Take the high road and reconcile. Think about the true spirit of Christmas. My siblings and I don't acknowledge birthdays anymore. That is such a little thing. It does not mean we do not care about each other.
 
Just posting to see if anyone has any advice on how I might get out of hosting/spending Christmas Eve with my sisters.

We have a very strained relationship due to a split in the family that occurred almost three years ago.

Additionally, my youngest sister completely ignored the birthdays of my husband, daughter and twins this year. Even a text would have sufficed and it's left me very hurt. I plan on speaking to her about this the next time she gets in touch. So not sure what the outcome of that conversation will be.

As a result I really don't feel like spending this special day with them but I'm not sure how to approach the issue.

If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.
Take your pick:
"That doesn't work for us."
"We've made other arrangements."
"No."

If they push, you say, "I already answered that," and then redirect or, if necessary, end the conversation. Beyond that, you ignore any tantrums, tears, or attempts to guilt or manipulate you into coming.

(My advice here is based on what I already know about your family dynamics; I wouldn't jump straight to a hardline approach for every family.)

ETA: Wait, you're the one hosting? Well that's easy. You don't extend an invitation. If they ask, any of the three above responses will do.
 
My advice is to host a get-together on an alternate date before or after the holy day. Take the high road and reconcile. Think about the true spirit of Christmas. My siblings and I don't acknowledge birthdays anymore. That is such a little thing. It does not mean we do not care about each other.
There is so much history that I can't begin to get into here. I'm so emotionally tired by it all. I have thought about doing something small on another day so at least the holiday is marked. The birthdays are the least of the troubles. Perhaps I'll suggest that. I just know that Christmas Eve at my house can't happen this year.
 
Take your pick:
"That doesn't work for us."
"We've made other arrangements."
"No."

If they push, you say, "I already answered that," and then redirect or, if necessary, end the conversation. Beyond that, you ignore any tantrums, tears, or attempts to guilt or manipulate you into coming.

(My advice here is based on what I already know about your family dynamics; I wouldn't jump straight to a hardline approach for every family.)

ETA: Wait, you're the one hosting? Well that's easy. You don't extend an invitation. If they ask, any of the three above responses will do.
Thanks.
 
My advice is to host a get-together on an alternate date before or after the holy day. Take the high road and reconcile. Think about the true spirit of Christmas. My siblings and I don't acknowledge birthdays anymore. That is such a little thing. It does not mean we do not care about each other.
Would you tell a battered wife to take the high road and reconcile with her abusive husband? To think about the true spirit of Christmas? No? Blanket advice and empty platitudes are not helpful nor appropriate for that very reason. Not all relationships are better mended, some are better ended.

(Rhyming not intentional, but I'm just gonna roll with it. ::yes::)
 
Have you already extended the invitation or is it just assumed you're hosting? If nothing has been said, just don't say anything. If they ask what the plan is, say I don't know, you tell me.

Sorry you have to go through family angst..it's not fun.
 
Would you tell a battered wife to take the high road and reconcile with her abusive husband? To think about the true spirit of Christmas? No? Blanket advice and empty platitudes are not helpful nor appropriate for that very reason. Not all relationships are better mended, some are better ended.

(Rhyming not intentional, but I'm just gonna roll with it. ::yes::)

Seriously. I can't imagine giving that kind of advice without knowing the whole story.
 
Would you tell a battered wife to take the high road and reconcile with her abusive husband? To think about the true spirit of Christmas? No? Blanket advice and empty platitudes are not helpful nor appropriate for that very reason. Not all relationships are better mended, some are better ended.

(Rhyming not intentional, but I'm just gonna roll with it. ::yes::)
I can understand the PP simply not being able to imagine a family situation so grave that it's irreconcilable. I know in my extended family we tend to gloss over minor estrangements for the holidays, but that's not with anything even near approaching abuse involved. Maybe the PP was assuming the worst of it was the lack of birthday greetings? The way I read the OP though, those incidents were the result of something more serious. Either which way, nobody's obligated to do things they don't want to - personally I'd take the direct approach if I was the OP and just inform the siblings. Especially if she's not concerned about alienating them further.
 
OP I empathize with you. I would think the single easiest and most straightforward way out would be to leave town and go on vacation. Of course that has to work for your immediate family and fit in your budget.

I know it should theoretically be easy and simple to just say no but I also get that sometimes you are not in a place where it is that simple.
 
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Have you actually invieted peopel for this year already? (even so, it is still OK to cancel this far out, but slightly trickeier). If not, and you've just become the "default" keep it really simple, something along the lines of:

Hey guys, not to be persumptuous (maybe you alredy have plans elsewhere!) but looking back normally everyone ends up at my place on Christmas Eve. In case anyone was planning on that again, DH and I have decided to reserve that time just for our nuclear family this year (or from here on out, etc). I wanted to give everyone an early heads up so you can make other plans for yourselves.


I would absolutely not get into any reasons why. Even if they ask just stick with, we'd like to have it be just us. Personally, I would not suggest an alternate date either---if it is truly important to everyone else to have an extended family get together one of htem will come up with a plan and host it (possibly on an alternate date).
 

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