How fast it all changed.

[minniecarousel]

Ugh! You’re right - that was unnecessary. Don’t let it bother you...wake...funeral...rememberance. Whatever you want to call it serves the same purpose.
Hang in there.

 

[java]

Seriously, who would text something like that to a man's widow, who he had never met?!?!?

A jerk that’s who.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am amazed at how you are getting through this with grace and dignity. I think your husband would be proud.

 

[Southernmiss]

That fella was thoughtless and insensitive. Pox on him.

 

[anniemae]

So, I had a text tonight from a guy DH was in a program with. He had asked me earlier this afternoon about a wake and I explained that we had already had our private family viewing, DH had been cremated and we'd be doing the celebration in a few weeks. He asked again, "so no wake?" I said no. A few hours later he texted again and said that he guessed DH must have changed his mind, that right before entering hospice, DH had asked he and another guy they both knew if they'd come to his funeral...
I answered that DH would have been using the term loosely, meaning the remembrance which will be held to honour who he was and the things and people he loved. And thanked him for his input.
Seriously, who would text something like that to a man's widow, who he had never met?!?!?

Just forget about him. What does he know anyway? I'm sure he was just confused, but seriously, to question you like that? Crazy. Just know you did the right thing. Continue to be gracious and smile thorough the craziness. One hour at a time. You are doing great.

 

[leebee]

Rodeo, many people don't hold a traditional wake and funeral. Growing up, the "usual" way of doing things was, several days after someone passed, to have several periods of visitation (aka, wake) at the funeral home over 2 days, followed by a church service and burial on the 3rd day. I think people are always mystified when things don't happen the way they expect them to. This has all changed now, and everyone does what's best and most comfortable for them. I've been to celebrations, funerals, wakes, parties, nothing, happening within a day, a week, or months after a death. There is no "standard" approach that is followed anymore, so nobody knows what to expect. This is an awful, hard time for everyone, and I'm guessing that the guy from your DH's group didn't know what to do or how to approach it... just knew that your DH was hoping that someone would come to mourn his passing, and maybe even thought that it would be easier on you if there was a group in attendance... and perhaps felt trusted by your DH to pass this on to you. I know he seems like a jerk (and honestly, he shouldn't have called a 2nd time) but maybe he was just trying to honor your husband. Don't let this worry you. You made the plan that you knew was good for your family and your husband; it's up to others to follow your plans and trust that you know you are doing what's right for your family.

I just want to tell you again how terribly sad I am for you and your children; I hope you find peace and comfort over the coming days and weeks. Know that we are all here for you.

 

[ronandannette]

Rodeo, many people don't hold a traditional wake and funeral. Growing up, the "usual" way of doing things was, several days after someone passed, to have several periods of visitation (aka, wake) at the funeral home over 2 days, followed by a church service and burial on the 3rd day. I think people are always mystified when things don't happen the way they expect them to. This has all changed now, and everyone does what's best and most comfortable for them. I've been to celebrations, funerals, wakes, parties, nothing, happening within a day, a week, or months after a death. There is no "standard" approach that is followed anymore, so nobody knows what to expect. This is an awful, hard time for everyone, and I'm guessing that the guy from your DH's group didn't know what to do or how to approach it... just knew that your DH was hoping that someone would come to mourn his passing, and maybe even thought that it would be easier on you if there was a group in attendance... and perhaps felt trusted by your DH to pass this on to you. I know he seems like a jerk (and honestly, he shouldn't have called a 2nd time) but maybe he was just trying to honor your husband. Don't let this worry you. You made the plan that you knew was good for your family and your husband; it's up to others to follow your plans and trust that you know you are doing what's right for your family.

I just want to tell you again how terribly sad I am for you and your children; I hope you find peace and comfort over the coming days and weeks. Know that we are all here for you.

This is an excellent post - well done, leebee!

@rodeo65 People can be clumsy at expressing themselves at times like this. I'd imagine if anyone had actually been in a position to invite me personally to their own "funeral", I would take it as kind of a sacred trust and do everything I could to make sure I didn't miss it. Leebee is right when she says everybody has different expectations of what type of memorialization will occur. I'd encourage you to consider running an obituary in your local paper saying something along the lines of "at Buddy's request, cremation has taken place. A Celebration of Life is being planned with further details to be announced." This is a very common wording now seen often as more and more people opt out of traditional church/burial services. There are likely many people who cared for your husband and your family but haven't been in the immediate "loop" that would appreciate the information.

 

[sk!mom]

So, I had a text tonight from a guy DH was in a program with. He had asked me earlier this afternoon about a wake and I explained that we had already had our private family viewing, DH had been cremated and we'd be doing the celebration in a few weeks. He asked again, "so no wake?" I said no. A few hours later he texted again and said that he guessed DH must have changed his mind, that right before entering hospice, DH had asked he and another guy they both knew if they'd come to his funeral...
I answered that DH would have been using the term loosely, meaning the remembrance which will be held to honour who he was and the things and people he loved. And thanked him for his input.
Seriously, who would text something like that to a man's widow, who he had never met?!?!?

I'm sorry that people seem to do the strangest things at times like this. Often thinking of themselves and not of those who are truly grieving and have so so much to handle.

Your strength continues to amaze me. Lean on those who love and care for you and brush off the rest. It's even OK to completely ignore messages from people you don't know or those who send messages that are less than helpful.

Continued prayers for you and your children.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So, I had a text tonight from a guy DH was in a program with. He had asked me earlier this afternoon about a wake and I explained that we had already had our private family viewing, DH had been cremated and we'd be doing the celebration in a few weeks. He asked again, "so no wake?" I said no. A few hours later he texted again and said that he guessed DH must have changed his mind, that right before entering hospice, DH had asked he and another guy they both knew if they'd come to his funeral...
I answered that DH would have been using the term loosely, meaning the remembrance which will be held to honour who he was and the things and people he loved. And thanked him for his input.
Seriously, who would text something like that to a man's widow, who he had never met?!?!?

I think your response was perfect - it was a loose term before the reality of the situation set in. As things progressed, you obviously had more serious discussions with your husband about his wishes. Most people with half a brain would understand that and apply the filter before hitting the send button on that second text! What a dolt! Try not to let it bother you, it's one of those things that you just shake your head at. You're doing great given the overwhelming circumstances you've dealt with so graciously over the past several weeks. A pp said it so well - just keep swimming!

 

[Lori74]

Not trying to stir the pot, but my first thought was, is this man connected to your mil? Maybe she asked him to text you? Im so sorry for your loss.

 

[maxaroni]

Don’t give it another thought. He may have misinterpreted or it’s one of those things that become awkward and uncomfortable. Sometimes, so worried you will say the wrong thing, then what comes out, isn’t great either. There is no “right way, or wrong way”. It used to be customary for several “viewing” times, closed or open casket. In our area, it was always open except in rare occasions. Then closed became more “popular” and it was a mix. Now with cremations, or private burials and celebrations of life, we do what we feel is right for us.

When my mom passed away 4 years ago, we had a direct cremation. This was that she went from home to the funeral home, no embalming and right to the crematorium. My work wanted to send flowers but since there was no “funeral” they didn’t quite no what to do. They opted for nothing, but that is another story.

Your family has touched me in a way that is hard to imagine, not knowing you IRL. Still sending you thoughts and prayers.

 

[Snowflakey]

Rodeo - you are doing great. I'm glad your brother was with you through the weekend. Welcome any food or support from friends right now, you deserve everything.

As far as the guy who texted you - I think many people still haven't "adapted" to the fact that funerals as we know it from the past are changing. The standard way of having one is now changing and I can't be happier about that.

Love that you are setting up a gaming room for your son and his friends - this is be helpful for him.

You're amazing....

 

[rodeo65]

Last night a call came in on DH's phone. A little startling but I answered and it turned out to be a different guy from his group. He was very kind, said a lot of wonderful things about DH and talked about how much he loved his family. He told me they had a minute of silence to remember him. That all made me feel so much better. I'll choose to think the other guy just didn't know what words to use. I still don't like that it came across that I wasn't doing it "right" the way DH spoke to them about it, but still, after two days stewing about it I'm going to set it aside now.

Yesterday, my brother came over to help steady the ladder while DS climbed up to take down the Christmas lights. I figured late April was about time. My brother is much more "hey try it and lets see" in his approach to his kids than I am with mine and when DS suggested he'd just climb on the roof, while I had a small heart attack, DB said "sure, good idea, that's what I'd do." So up he went. Our roof is steep. Fortunately, I don't have to plan two Celebrations.

DS has started claiming things he wants. He wants DH's chair, some of his weights, various things he used. DD wants a bunch of his clothes. She'll look hilarious - DH was 6' and 225 lbs and she's tiny. But they are each involved and discussing what is important to them so I'm really happy with that. DS tells me he loves me every time he leaves the house or goes to bed now. He did before sporadically and usually if I'd said it first. DD always was more vocal that way, so no real change there. Both are staying fairly busy with friends and I've been busy with people dropping in and deliveries arriving. I expect this week that will all slow down and it's going to hit. So far I've mostly been on autopilot.

 

[MamaBelle4]

 

[Planogirl]

You are doing remarkably well. You are likely right that it will hit in waves later on though. People will move on.

 

[ronandannette]

Last night a call came in on DH's phone. A little startling but I answered and it turned out to be a different guy from his group. He was very kind, said a lot of wonderful things about DH and talked about how much he loved his family. He told me they had a minute of silence to remember him. That all made me feel so much better. I'll choose to think the other guy just didn't know what words to use. I still don't like that it came across that I wasn't doing it "right" the way DH spoke to them about it, but still, after two days stewing about it I'm going to set it aside now.

Yesterday, my brother came over to help steady the ladder while DS climbed up to take down the Christmas lights. I figured late April was about time. My brother is much more "hey try it and lets see" in his approach to his kids than I am with mine and when DS suggested he'd just climb on the roof, while I had a small heart attack, DB said "sure, good idea, that's what I'd do." So up he went. Our roof is steep. Fortunately, I don't have to plan two Celebrations.

DS has started claiming things he wants. He wants DH's chair, some of his weights, various things he used. DD wants a bunch of his clothes. She'll look hilarious - DH was 6' and 225 lbs and she's tiny. But they are each involved and discussing what is important to them so I'm really happy with that. DS tells me he loves me every time he leaves the house or goes to bed now. He did before sporadically and usually if I'd said it first. DD always was more vocal that way, so no real change there. Both are staying fairly busy with friends and I've been busy with people dropping in and deliveries arriving. I expect this week that will all slow down and it's going to hit. So far I've mostly been on autopilot.

Please keep us posted as to the Celebration; we'd like to be there with you in thought.

 

[bluezy]

Last night a call came in on DH's phone. A little startling but I answered and it turned out to be a different guy from his group. He was very kind, said a lot of wonderful things about DH and talked about how much he loved his family. He told me they had a minute of silence to remember him. That all made me feel so much better. I'll choose to think the other guy just didn't know what words to use. I still don't like that it came across that I wasn't doing it "right" the way DH spoke to them about it, but still, after two days stewing about it I'm going to set it aside now.

Yesterday, my brother came over to help steady the ladder while DS climbed up to take down the Christmas lights. I figured late April was about time. My brother is much more "hey try it and lets see" in his approach to his kids than I am with mine and when DS suggested he'd just climb on the roof, while I had a small heart attack, DB said "sure, good idea, that's what I'd do." So up he went. Our roof is steep. Fortunately, I don't have to plan two Celebrations.

DS has started claiming things he wants. He wants DH's chair, some of his weights, various things he used. DD wants a bunch of his clothes. She'll look hilarious - DH was 6' and 225 lbs and she's tiny. But they are each involved and discussing what is important to them so I'm really happy with that. DS tells me he loves me every time he leaves the house or goes to bed now. He did before sporadically and usually if I'd said it first. DD always was more vocal that way, so no real change there. Both are staying fairly busy with friends and I've been busy with people dropping in and deliveries arriving. I expect this week that will all slow down and it's going to hit. So far I've mostly been on autopilot.

I'm glad your kids are asking to keep certain things that have special meaning to them. My father passed away (after an 18 month battle with cancer) when I was in my mid-20's. My mom never asked most of us kids if there was anything of our dad's that we wanted to keep. We all just kind of waited for her to ask us if we wanted anything -- we didn't want to cause her any more stress and thought she just needed time before she started letting go of his possessions. About 3 weeks after my father's passing, my mom's best friend came over to the house and helped her sort through my dad's stuff. My mom kept a few things; my sister (who was 12 at the time and still lived at home) chose a few things; and apparently my mom invited a few friends and family members who had been very helpful to her and my dad over the previous 18 months to stop by the house before that day if there was anything they wanted to keep. She never mentioned anything to my siblings and I who no longer lived at home (but we all still lived close by). Unfortunately, after the "clean out" day, everything was donated to a local charity and was gone before we had a chance to even try to go there and buy back some things. I know my mom didn't intentionally excluded us, it just never occurred to her to ask us. She did offer to let us choose something from the items that she had kept; but it was a small consolation as those things were meaningful to *her*, but not so much to us. We did each find a small token remembrance, but I still cry when I think about the things I would have chosen for myself that were gone forever. Hopefully those things brought happiness and comfort to whoever ended up with them as they were only memories for me, but they might have been necessities for the recipients.

 

[OhMari]

Should of read more of the posts.

No advice-Just cannot image. Prayers for your family.

 

[Snowflakey]

Thinking of you and your family every day. Glad to hear people are stopping by and dropping things off. Like you said, this all will slow down but that will be the time that you need for you. Remember your circle of friends and family and lean on them anytime you need to. So touched by how amazing your kids are. They are showing the grace you've shown the past 30 some days.......

 

[rodeo65]

Overwhelming.

Walking from room to room and looking at the mountains of "stuff" accumulated through 24 years of a life together - thinking of all that has to be accomplished to divide into what we want to keep, what is to be sold, what is to be donated, and what is to be purged is overwhelming. Yesterday, I did a pile of DH's papers that he had tossed behind his chair. That's it. A pile. We moved to our current house eight years ago and had done what I thought was a huge purge prior to showing the old house. We are either massive pack rats or we didn't get rid of as much as I thought we did back then.

The kids were on the cusp of discovering electronics when we moved, but did not want to part with their toys, so we boxed them up and brought them. This house has a swimming pool, so the toys were never unpacked that first summer. By the fall, electronics; laptops, video games, handheld video games...that became all they were interested in, so toys were never unpacked and played with again. I have an instinct to just toss it all unseen, but can't allow myself to do that. There might be something special from DH to the kids in one of those boxes. There is a whole storage room downstairs with boxes to go through, cedar closets, decisions to make - what really am I going to keep? Don't think I need the good china anymore, I don't really see dinner parties in my future, BUT, will the kids want it? I do want my wine glasses

I think for now, I'm going to assign myself an hour a day to go through something; a box, a pile, his dresser. I think, among the many lessons of the past couple of months, one of the biggest for me is don't accumulate stuff. Stuff is just what everyone has to deal with when you're gone. Our case is a little more extreme in that I'm not only dealing with DH's stuff, but all of our things as we won't be keeping the house, so it's more like losing the last remaining parent in that regard and having to deal with their whole house. I remember helping my mom do that with my grandmother's house 13 years ago. It took months. Close to a year's worth of months.

I'm breaking down at weird random things now. Mostly I'm doing ok, but then I'll catch sight of something he wrote down, or yesterday, tripped over his shoes. Then I'm not ok.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I continue to admire your strength. I started crying with your last update because I know those random thing would break me too.

I am so sorry and continuing to pray for you and your family.