Groomsman threatening to drop out 4 days before wedding... advice???

madqueen

Earning My Ears
Joined
Jan 27, 2013
I'm in need of support and advice from my fellow disers right now... We get married on Wednesday at The Wedding Pavilion. We've already had six people drop out (luckily before the food deadline.) . But today, my fiancee texted his groomsmen to find out what time their planes land. Apparently, one hasn't even bought a ticket. He says that his job is trying to switch his days, and he doesn't know if he can make it. HE HASN'T BOUGHT A TICKET YET. We paid for the deposit on his suit and everything. He also RSVPed yes for my fiancees bachelor party on Monday, and now says Monday is the earliest he will know if he will be able to make it to the wedding or not. The deadline to get the money back for his plate has come and gone. And he didn't offer us this information, my fiancee had to ask him what time his plane was landing in order to find this out, I don't know when he was planning on telling us otherwise. WE'VE already paid for his hotel room too. What do we do? Do we just wait and see if he can make it? Do we replace him with one of the ushers now? If he doesn't show up, I don't know how we can continue being friends with him. I think I'm a pretty understanding person, but he's 38 years old (a full grown man), and at any point could have at least HINTED to us that there was a possibility he wouldn't be able to make it. Am I wrong to have the mind that if he doesn't come, he's out of our lives? I'm pretty much seething with rage right now. I have a million things on my to do list right now and don't need to be dealing with this. He says if he doesn't come he'll "make it up to us". I don't see how he could.
 

Sjm9911

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 11, 2019
I think you need to put some distance on it. In reguler weddings people are no shows, destination i can see it being more. Maybe he was supost to have off but his boss said if he goes he will loose his job. Yes , its your wedding and one of the most important days in your life, but sometimes things come up. Dont sweat the small stuff. Move forward, and dont let it get to you.
 

Wild4Walt

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
Yikes! I understand your frustration - during my 1st wedding ( back in 1997 ) my ex-brother in law threatened every week or so that he was going to back out. At some point, you just say - whatever.

But you're not there yet and your frustration is warranted.

I'd have a plan B in place in case he can't make it. In the meantime, maybe your fiancé could pull him on the side and see if they can work it through.

Either way - have a fabulous time and don't let this mess up your day.
 
  • madqueen

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jan 27, 2013
    Yikes! I understand your frustration - during my 1st wedding ( back in 1997 ) my ex-brother in law threatened every week or so that he was going to back out. At some point, you just say - whatever.

    But you're not there yet and your frustration is warranted.

    I'd have a plan B in place in case he can't make it. In the meantime, maybe your fiancé could pull him on the side and see if they can work it through.

    Either way - have a fabulous time and don't let this mess up your day.
    I would have actually preferred it if he'd mentioned he might have to back out weeks ahead of time, that way we'd just have said, "hey, plan to come as a guest. That way, if you can't make it, no big deal." Instead he led us to believe everything was right as rain with him being a groomsman, and we put down deposits for his suit, paid for his hotel room, saved him a spot for the bachelor party (which the other groomsmen or us will now have to split his cost) all that. I think the thing that really bothers me is that he didn't come to us with the fact that he might have a problem getting here, he only told us after my fiancee asked what time his plane lands, 4 days before the wedding. It's like it didn't even matter enough for him to mention it to us.
     

    madqueen

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jan 27, 2013
    It really isn't up to you to say he is out of your lives. That needs to be between him and your fiancee.

    For now, keep moving forward with your plans.
    True, I wouldn't honestly tell my fiancee whom he can and can't be friends with. It's just frustrating because between the suit rental, the plate, the hotel room, and the bachelor party spot, it's a lot of money and we already lent him money years ago which he hasn't paid back, not to mention the fact that my fiancee goes out of his way to drive him because he doesn't have a car and we always pay for his meals/ activities when we go out. I guess I'm more contending with whether if he does this should he be out of my life. My fiancee is grappling with the same thing, but we're both really mad about it right now.

    Thank you for your advice- we will keep moving on with our plans!
     
  • madqueen

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jan 27, 2013
    You are absolutely right, he's been thoughtless, and other people may end up having to pick up the cost, which is unfair. But it is your fiance's job to herd these particular cats.
    Thanks MickyLynn! I wish my fiancee was better at herding cats :hyper: . He usually just asks me "what do I tell him?" He has aspergers so social stuff is really hard for him to navigate and he tends to utilize me to help him. But this is beyond me!
     

    KMarston

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Mar 24, 2009
    You don’t have to decide any of that now. I can’t imagine how angry you must be but it’s up to you to decide that nothing is going to steal your joy and put aside until much later. Sounds like he’s always been somewhat of a flake. Enjoy your time, emotions run high at this point in the planning, you concentrate on enjoying this time, the rest will work it’s sel out.
     

    SteveH

    Where's my Mai Tai?
    Joined
    Sep 8, 1999
    IMHO your fiancee is the one that needs to pick up the phone, not the txt keyboard, and call him. Talk with him and find out what is going on, how likely his it come, why he didn't buy a ticket and why he didn't bother to tell him what is going on. Sadly days before a wedding are very stressful for the two of you, this is the last thing you want to be dealing with, but it's the cards that have been dealt. So let him take the stress off of you and make the call.

    Or pull a Bobby McFerrin, don't worry and be happy and just let it go. Some things are just out of your control.
     

    madqueen

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jan 27, 2013
    You don’t have to decide any of that now. I can’t imagine how angry you must be but it’s up to you to decide that nothing is going to steal your joy and put aside until much later. Sounds like he’s always been somewhat of a flake. Enjoy your time, emotions run high at this point in the planning, you concentrate on enjoying this time, the rest will work it’s sel out.
    Thank you! Good advice!!
     
  • madqueen

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jan 27, 2013
    IMHO your fiancee is the one that needs to pick up the phone, not the txt keyboard, and call him. Talk with him and find out what is going on, how likely his it come, why he didn't buy a ticket and why he didn't bother to tell him what is going on. Sadly days before a wedding are very stressful for the two of you, this is the last thing you want to be dealing with, but it's the cards that have been dealt. So let him take the stress off of you and make the call.

    Or pull a Bobby McFerrin, don't worry and be happy and just let it go. Some things are just out of your control.
    Thank you, he will probably have to have that phone call on monday. lol I wish I could not worry and just be happy- sadly I'm terrible at that! I'm a control freak but I have it in my head that as soon as I check into my resort at Disney I get to relax and enjoy, right now I'm still in scramble mode!
     

    Karin1984

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 5, 2012
    At this moment the why is not important. That is something for later and between friend and fiance.
    All that matters is someone in your bridal party might not show up.

    What I would do, is make the decision for the friend (together with fiance, of course). I would definitely not wait and see, it will add more stress to the coming days. I would have fiance send him a message saying he is still welcome but reduced to guest. As mentioned, no shows happen at all weddings, so the loss of the money for the plate could have happened anyway.
    Your fiance has to talk to his friends about the bachelor party, will he pay the part for the friend not coming, split the friends part or maybe look for a way to save some money?
    For the suit, I would cancel the order and ask if there is any refund possible, if they say yes, it will be a pleasant surprise.
    For the hotel room, I would do the same.
    With the last two, waiting will most likely result in loss of more money.

    After the wedding have a talk with the friend and ask what happened, not before, not during. Let the emotions of this event die out, before getting fully into this one.
     

    madqueen

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Jan 27, 2013
    At this moment the why is not important. That is something for later and between friend and fiance.
    All that matters is someone in your bridal party might not show up.

    What I would do, is make the decision for the friend (together with fiance, of course). I would definitely not wait and see, it will add more stress to the coming days. I would have fiance send him a message saying he is still welcome but reduced to guest. As mentioned, no shows happen at all weddings, so the loss of the money for the plate could have happened anyway.
    Your fiance has to talk to his friends about the bachelor party, will he pay the part for the friend not coming, split the friends part or maybe look for a way to save some money?
    For the suit, I would cancel the order and ask if there is any refund possible, if they say yes, it will be a pleasant surprise.
    For the hotel room, I would do the same.
    With the last two, waiting will most likely result in loss of more money.

    After the wedding have a talk with the friend and ask what happened, not before, not during. Let the emotions of this event die out, before getting fully into this one.
    Thank you so much for your kind advice! Honestly, I never would have thought getting a refund for the suit would be possible since they've already been ordered, but I called and we're able to cancel the order and just forfeit the $25 deposit for his suit! So thank you for that! I paid for the hotel using hilton grand vacation club points, so I still have to see if I can get them back. If there's a cancellation fee (which I vaguely remember there was a steep one mentioned when I booked) I might just end up keeping the room and putting someone else in there that had been in a suite with other people so they have their own space. I'm just trying to stay positive and let it not get me down! And one of my bridesmaids is 12 years old, so I'm just going to have her walk with the flower girl and ring bearer rather than trying to replace him last second just for the sake of an even bridal party.
     

    Karin1984

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 5, 2012
    If it's on points, on such short notice, you'll probably loose everything. Then ideed the best is to divide the rest over the party over the available room. They will probably be happy with the change.
    And who cares about an even bridal party, except brides and the old aunts and grannies ;-) Put the kids together, that will look better anyway than a 12 year old together with a 28 year old.

    Stay positive, you have made a decision, and you can move forward. The only thing that matters now is for you and your fiance to get to the Pavillion on time on Wednesday, say your vows, kiss and sign the documents. That's the goal of the day. Everything else, how you look, who is or isn't there, what is served, if it rains/snows/the sun shines, everything else is not as important as those four things. It's not in the details.

    From now on, relax and enjoy everything that's going to happen, and keep in mind how you want to look back on your wedding years from now.
    Have fun!
     

    smadath

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 7, 2014
    I would have actually preferred it if he'd mentioned he might have to back out weeks ahead of time, that way we'd just have said, "hey, plan to come as a guest. That way, if you can't make it, no big deal." Instead he led us to believe everything was right as rain with him being a groomsman, and we put down deposits for his suit, paid for his hotel room, saved him a spot for the bachelor party (which the other groomsmen or us will now have to split his cost) all that. I think the thing that really bothers me is that he didn't come to us with the fact that he might have a problem getting here, he only told us after my fiancee asked what time his plane lands, 4 days before the wedding. It's like it didn't even matter enough for him to mention it to us.
    My husband's employer has a habit of cancelling employee's vacations 1 or 2 days before they're supposed to leave. Is that right? No. But, if you want to keep your job, you show up. It's possible that he couldn't let you know weeks ahead of time because he didn't know. It's also possible that he didn't let you know now because he's trying to work it out.
     


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