friend is going through a lot but strange text

[Dznypal]

my best friend ( weve been friends for over 50 years)

her DH had a stroke in Oct--he went in to have the carotiod arterty cleaned out to prevent a stroke and ended up having one

right now he is in a care facitity until my friend can get him on Medicaid and get the house set up for him so she can finally get him home

weve been to visit him several times but since doenst talk much we go when my friend is there

so Wed I get a text around 430 from her saying we should come and visit sometime--wed was his birthday--weve been pretty busy lately since we had to put my mom in assisted living and shes not doing too good

so thurs my friend puts on FB a bunch of pics from his party she had for him on wed--she never said anything to me in the text about a party

I know shes going through a lot but why didn't she say anything in the text--I did say that I saw the pics on FB and all she said was she threw it together real fast--

another one of her friends were there ( I sort of know this person) and her family and sister were all there

we for sure would have gone if she would have said something I get the feeling like she didn't want me there

its strange that she would forget about me--but like I said I know shes under a lot of stress--but she texts me around 430 wed and the thurs I find out she had a party for him

Im just letting it go but find it rather strange--just had to get it off my chest--thanks for listening

 

[cabanafrau]

Sounds more like miscommunication than anything else. In her mind she may think you knew her text meant she was throwing a party.

She's got a very full plate. You've got a very full plate. Look at her through the lens of over 50 years of friendship, because that's far more proof than a simple text misunderstanding when you're both going through so much.

Best wishes to all of you.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

My bet is on stress and miscommunication.
Having a stroke that effects the left side is one of the most horrific things that can happen in my experience.
If the person survives (my grandma who was a full of life person only lived a few weeks and she could not move or communicate at all) then it can be very very depressing and frustrating for everyone involved.
Often times the person gives up.
I know one person that had a stroke and when we would see her at church we would talk to her and she was so upset she could not talk back she would start crying.
My mom just found out another person she had gone out to lunch with every month had a stroke last month and her daughter said she won't try PT or speech therapy.
Definitely let this go and try to be there for your friend. Her and her DH are going though probably the worst time of their lives.

 

[Sandeep1]

I mean she told you to come and visit because it was his birthday. But you couldn't because you've been busy.

Are you saying you were too busy for a regular birthday visit but available to go to a birthday party?

 

[Dznypal]

sorry but you misunderstood me Sandeep--her text was we should come and visit sometime--not mentioning anything that it was his birthday or anything along that line--just come sometime for a visit--which we have been several times

she knows Im always there for her--they've been through a lot with all the trouble their kids have been in--and Im there for her

but thanks for the supporative replies--like I said I know shes got a lot going on--but it just took me back that she texted me we should visit and then had a party for him--which we for sure we would have gone to if we would have known

 

[Sandeep1]

sorry but you misunderstood me Sandeep--her text was we should come and visit sometime--not mentioning anything that it was his birthday or anything along that line--just come sometime for a visit--which we have been several times

she knows Im always there for her--they've been through a lot with all the trouble their kids have been in--and Im there for her

but thanks for the supporative replies--like I said I know shes got a lot going on--but it just took me back that she texted me we should visit and then had a party for him--which we for sure we would have gone to if we would have known

Fair enough. The only thing I can think of is she assumed (perhaps wrongly) that since you've been friends for over 50 years, that you would know it was his birthday and just stop by.

 

[sjrec]

Try not to think it’s anything but someone under a tremendous amount of stress and there was a miscommunication of some sort. It sounds like you have a lot going on as well. Let it go.

 

[Micca]

With her dealing with her husband and you dealing with your mother it sounds like there's plenty of stress to go around. You're right to let it slide, best of luck in dealing with your loved ones in ill health.

 

[Wishing on a star]

There is a TON of stress here on both sides!!!!
And, I really feel for both of you.
I am also sending well wishes!

Am I reading correctly that she texted you Wed, - ON his birthday, which she might have assumed that you would be aware of and make more effort to be there or visit - even if there were not a big pre-planned party???

When one is put into a position of being vulnerable and having needs... that can be the absolute hardest time to actually open up and have to ask.
Nobody wants to feel like a burden.
I think the hope is that those who can, will just, willingly and happily, make the effort to be there.
I would def. not assume that she forgot about you or didn't want you there.

Having said that - I will just open up and say what crosses my mind.
Perhaps, especially since her husband had this major medical stoke and disability... She feels like you have not been there like she would like, or as you should.
Visiting "several times' since October", I do not know if several means a handful, or more... But it strikes me that this has been about five months now.
I think she might be feeling, or fearing, that you have pulled away. (or maybe could have offered to be more helpful?).
It sounds like you did obligatory 'visit those who are in hospital/care facilities', but I am not sure that you did anything in addition to that to visit her, and support and care for her.

I would just guess that if you were in more frequent and positive contact, that you would have been more aware, or invited.

The whole thing is, that both of you have been under a LOT of stress and very very demanding situations.
Nobody is getting any younger!
Maybe her expectations just have not lined up with your actual physical and time and emotional limitations.....

It is hard.
SO hard.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I'd chalk it up to an oversight. What time was the party? Generally for a hospital, it wouldn't have been too late. Maybe it was going on and someone asked why you weren't there and she realized she'd forgotten to invite you.

Just give her grace, and forget it. Next time you go, just wish him a belated birthday. There are probably a million balls she's juggling.

 

[sam_gordon]

sorry but you misunderstood me Sandeep--her text was we should come and visit sometime--not mentioning anything that it was his birthday or anything along that line--just come sometime for a visit--which we have been several times

she knows Im always there for her--they've been through a lot with all the trouble their kids have been in--and Im there for her

but thanks for the supporative replies--like I said I know shes got a lot going on--but it just took me back that she texted me we should visit and then had a party for him--which we for sure we would have gone to if we would have known

Another possibility... she texted you to see if you'd come by, and then while waiting on your reply, or after she got your reply, decided to throw the party. When you said you couldn't make it, then she figured you can't make a party. NBD

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Try not to think it’s anything but someone under a tremendous amount of stress and there was a miscommunication of some sort. It sounds like you have a lot going on as well. Let it go.[/QUOTE]

THIS!

 

[Hrhpd]

my best friend ( weve been friends for over 50 years)

her DH had a stroke in Oct--he went in to have the carotiod arterty cleaned out to prevent a stroke and ended up having one

right now he is in a care facitity until my friend can get him on Medicaid and get the house set up for him so she can finally get him home

weve been to visit him several times but since doenst talk much we go when my friend is there

so Wed I get a text around 430 from her saying we should come and visit sometime--wed was his birthday--weve been pretty busy lately since we had to put my mom in assisted living and shes not doing too good

so thurs my friend puts on FB a bunch of pics from his party she had for him on wed--she never said anything to me in the text about a party

I know shes going through a lot but why didn't she say anything in the text--I did say that I saw the pics on FB and all she said was she threw it together real fast--

another one of her friends were there ( I sort of know this person) and her family and sister were all there

we for sure would have gone if she would have said something I get the feeling like she didn't want me there

its strange that she would forget about me--but like I said I know shes under a lot of stress--but she texts me around 430 wed and the thurs I find out she had a party for him

Im just letting it go but find it rather strange--just had to get it off my chest--thanks for listening

Just the rule.

Your best friend probably realized you were busy with your mom and didn't want to make you feel guilty if you could not make it.

I wouldn't think another thing of it as you were too busy to visit that day, so you wouldn't have been able to make a birthday party anyway.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Which I think does say something.....
I have to wonder... "BEST friend - for 50 years".
There should be open communication, and the word guilt should not be involved.
I guess I have never heard of not sharing about a birthday party with a best friend, because, well, maybe, they don't want to come.

Yes, THE RULE.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Tone and meaning can be very subjective when it comes to text message conversations. Add in two people who are overly stressed out over family medical issues and you pretty much have a recipe for disaster communication wise.

I would let this one go...

 

[Kitty 34]

If this is the worst you and your friend have endured in 50 years of friendship....you guys are doing real well. Chalk up the whole thing as a miscommunication, a lot going on in each others' lives and just laugh about it in a few months.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

It sounds like it was a last minute thing. Sometimes pictures on social media look like there's a big thing going on, when there's really not. Probably just some visitors and a few balloons. I'd vote for that. Just go and see him/them again when you have time and let the rest go. Hang in there.

 

[ronandannette]

It sounds like it was a last minute thing. Sometimes pictures on social media look like there's a big thing going on, when there's really not. Probably just some visitors and a few balloons. I'd vote for that. Just go and see him/them again when you have time and let the rest go. Hang in there.

This is exactly what I thought. The "party" may well have been really more of a coincidence than anything planned. We often had "overlapping" visitors coming to see our DMom when she was in a care home.

I can easily see how it happens - the kids were all planning on dropping in on Dad/Grandpa, one brought some cup cakes, another some balloons. They were there at the at the same time and of course your friend was there because she's pretty much always there. Maybe her sister was on that side of town and dropped by because she knew it was his birthday too. As they are coming and going, another visitor happens along; one who probably didn't even know anything about the birthday. Voila - accidental birthday party!

 

[cabanafrau]

It sounds like it was a last minute thing. Sometimes pictures on social media look like there's a big thing going on, when there's really not. Probably just some visitors and a few balloons. I'd vote for that. Just go and see him/them again when you have time and let the rest go. Hang in there.

Yep, that same social media that I'm repeatedly told "I only use it to keep in touch more often with family and friends" seems to frequently cause a lot of misunderstandings like this that wouldn't happen otherwise.