Family situation - just need to vent

[Chocolate Cake]

If my nephew molested my DD and my parents and the rest of the family took his side and gave my family the cold shoulder, they'd be dead to me.

Exactly.

What horrible people. The lot of them.

And playing mental games with you? Your daughter? Choosing the side of the molester?

 

[tcufrog]

Blood is overrated.

 

[because]

So this is a fake account because I just want to keep this personal.

Here is the background.
My daughter was molested by my nephew 3-4 years ago. We have known about it for 3 years. She was 12 my nephew (let's call him John) was 17. She has said it was inappropriate touching on several occasions. This all occurred at my parents home where my sister and my nephew lived and continue to live.

We found out when we read some of a notebook my daughter had about how she wanted to kill herself and she couldn't live like this. She told us about the abuse when we talked to her about it. I immediately met with my sister and told her about the situation, urged her to get my nephew some help and explained that we would not be around John anymore. I also spoke to my parents about this and was clear that since John still lived with them we would not be visiting their home.

My daughter saw a therapist for 2 years, she's good now but just has stated getting interested in dating. We did not press charges against my nephew. I also have another nephew, John's older brother, who I never spoke to about this. He is 5 years older than John, now married and a new dad to a baby boy.

So we have been splitting the holidays up more but seeing my parents less and less. In fact, we haven't seen them at all this year. Every invite we have extended they have an excuse for. The kicker came on Father's Day. We were going out to eat and my sister texted me that my parent's weren't coming since John was not invited!!! I was so mad and hurt. I believe that's why they have not seen us all year and just made up excuses.

I called my mother a week or so later to talk to her and my other nephew was there and she asked if she could call me back that night. Instead she texted me that night saying I sounded cold and distant and she didn't want to talk.

She has recently been in the hospital with unexplained high blood pressure and some other issues and I have spoken to her but only about her health. My dad tried to tell me my mother felt like she was being punished because we never come over their house.

Sorry for the long rambling but I just am so mad about this! I finally talked to my other nephew about it to see if he knew and that we wanted to visit his new baby but did not want to see his brother. He had no clue. We had a nice visit and since then he hasn't texted me back and he unfriended my husband and I on Facebook.

So has anyone else experienced this? A therapist friend told me this might happen that we might end up being the bad guys. I am clear that I will not have my children around John and as long as my parents have him living there we won't go over there home.

Otherwise, I am just very sad that my parents have done this to my children (I also have a younger son) and isolated them in what feels like preference over the other.

This is very sad for your daughter. You sound like wonderful parents, supporting her and getting her the help she needs to deal with the situation.

Also very sad for your nephew. He is not getting the help he needs, his parents and grandparents are in denial, and since silence is consent (by parents and grandparents,) he is being given the ok to do it again to someone else.

Since I am not in a legal or law enforcement area, I have no idea what the statute of limitations is for a crime like this. However, I would still go ahead and report it even now. He may end up get the counseling he needs, his parents and grandparents might be forced to face the facts, and he would be given a strong message that this is not ok. Your family dynamics are already hurt, and the sister and grandparents have shown their true colors to you, so why not?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am thinking that there would be no statute of limitations when the victim is still a minor child.
This could still be addressed.

Also, OP, given the current situation and splitting up of the family, do not underestimate that your daughter could now be feeling guilt for what is now going on, with separation of the family.
I would not assume that your daughter has worked thru this and is, or can, move forward.
This is still an ongoing situation, and may be for a very long time.

OP, you mentioned seeing journals/writing that brought all of this to light.
Have you had the opportunity to go thru more of these writings to see if the actual incidents are mentioned?

Two reasons to ask that....
1. I would fear that it was actually more than some inappropriate touching... I would be going on that assumption. It would be quite common for a young victim to not want to fully acknowledge everything that happened, Especially if they felt that this would make them also somehow responsible.
2. Just to state the obvious, these written comments would be some pretty direct evidence.

Like everyone else here is saying... It is actually almost expected for a family to react like this.
There is a reason that your sister and her son live with your parents... There is probably a very co-dependant toxic thing going on.
Could there have been previous incestuous abuse going back to the earlier generation(s?

It is THEM, not you or your DD...
You are very very right to decide to protect your daughter at all costs.

I guess I am thinking that I might be re-thinking my decision to refrain from reporting this.
The inappropriate behaviour/abuse could have been more than you are thinking.
And, it could also very well be an ongoing thing.

 

[not really me]

Sorry for being away from this thread. It's been a busy couple of days.

First off, I really really appreciate everyone's posts and support especially those that shared personal similar experiences.

To address a couple of things. My daughter did not want to press charges and still doesn't. At the time this happened we were focused on getting her the help she needed. She is in a very good place in her life right now and she just doesn't want to go back and dig this up so for now we are not pressing charges.

I have talked to her about what is going on. I told her that we will never make her see/meet/spend time with John ever. And that her grandparents are making a terrible choice but they are solely responsible for it. NONE of this is her fault in any way.

While my sister and parents haven't denied the abuse happened they seemed to think that my daughter should have gotten over it by now. That we should just go back to "happy family gatherings". Never going to happen. We are most likely going out of town for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year as we love to travel and this may be a new tradition for us.

The one conclusion this thread has really solidified for me is that I am not inviting my parents to anything anymore and I am not calling them. I was doing all the work in the relationship before anyway and I am just going to stop. I checked on my mother's health when she was in the hospital but now I think I am done.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Good for you. These people may be related to you, but they certainly don't have your DD's best interests in their hearts, and you don't need people like that in your life (or hers).

I do wish you had chosen to press charges, though. I completely understand that your DD didn't want to, and I'm glad she's in a good place. The reason I say that I wish you had is, how will your DD feel if/when she learns that he went on to molest other children? Because I doubt it was a one-time deal. I hope you and her therapist can help her if such news does reach your ears at some point down the line. And again, I'm not suggesting that she should change her mind, or feel guilty, or anything like that--I just think about how many children are hurt because people turn a blind eye or minimize such behavior. I'm particularly worried about the new niece/nephew. But, this is really something that the family will have to answer for, one day.

 

[Westcoastwild]

A former neighbor on our cul de sac -- a respected physician -- molested his own grand daughter. When the DGD told her daddy about gpa, the daddy spoke to his sister and warned her not to leave her DD's alone with gpa. Daddy asked her if she believed it. She said, "Oh yes. He did it to me too." On advice from his pastor, the daddy had gpa arrested and he served time.

So yes, I would be worried about a repeat offender.

This.

The only way you would have brought it out into the open, so there would be absolutely no misunderstanding, so that the nephew should get the help he probably needs and so that you could have maybe prevented him from victimizing others would have been to prosecute.

I understand why you did not, but I think your choice to not do so has allowed your family members to deny or trivialize what he did to your daughter.

I'm really glad the pastor gave that advice in the case above. I've heard of too many cases where religious authorities or family members pressure to NOT prosecute because "You should just forgive and what good would it do to ruin his life". The good it does is to reduce the chances of it happening again and to make it real clear what happened in the first place to everyone.

ETA: the fact that your nephew lives with them likely makes them culpable. If I was in your daughter's shoes, I can't imagine visiting the house of her abuser at all, or dealing with the adults responsible for her at the time. I am assuming that the abuse happened at their house while she was under their care.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, your update makes a lot of sense!!!
I do hope that you all continue to work thru this and everything works out in the best ways possible.
This all must be so hard and upsetting...
I am sending you good thoughts and hugs!

 

[cabanafrau]

Sorry for being away from this thread. It's been a busy couple of days.

First off, I really really appreciate everyone's posts and support especially those that shared personal similar experiences.

To address a couple of things. My daughter did not want to press charges and still doesn't. At the time this happened we were focused on getting her the help she needed. She is in a very good place in her life right now and she just doesn't want to go back and dig this up so for now we are not pressing charges.

I have talked to her about what is going on. I told her that we will never make her see/meet/spend time with John ever. And that her grandparents are making a terrible choice but they are solely responsible for it. NONE of this is her fault in any way.

While my sister and parents haven't denied the abuse happened they seemed to think that my daughter should have gotten over it by now. That we should just go back to "happy family gatherings". Never going to happen. We are most likely going out of town for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year as we love to travel and this may be a new tradition for us.

The one conclusion this thread has really solidified for me is that I am not inviting my parents to anything anymore and I am not calling them. I was doing all the work in the relationship before anyway and I am just going to stop. I checked on my mother's health when she was in the hospital but now I think I am done.

I cannot get past the fact that your family is not denying the abuse. That is a new one on me, never seen or heard that before. I've heard again and again from many experts that families close ranks and deny the abuse because accepting it and the consequences that come with that threaten the status quo and most times people choose to stay with what they know instead of facing the unknown or consequences out of their control. In some ways your family's expectations are almost worse than denial of your daughter's experience -- they expect her to allow everyone to accept it as reasonable behavior and move on as if it's okay. No, no, and no again. That is setting your child up for a complete psychological undermining. There isn't even a question of ANY type of relationship whatsoever being possible, because doing so puts your daughter at risk of very grave psychological ramifications.

Your daughter's reluctance to press charges is entirely understandable. That choice comes with consequences. Given the circumstances you've outlined it's entirely probable a legal statute of limitations has begun to toll. Should your daughter choose to come forward later she may be able to do so from a position of more maturity and psychological strength, however understand it opens her up to further scrutiny about the delay. Your attempts at a family relationship after the fact will be used against her. I don't say these things to discourage her from coming forward, merely to give you some insight about the challenges the process presents.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, excellent post in this post by cabanafrau above.

 

[superme80]

OP I just wanted to send your family good wishes. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Your daughter is so strong. Thank you for choosing your daughter over the rest of the blood relations.

 

[perditax]

Sorry for being away from this thread. It's been a busy couple of days.

First off, I really really appreciate everyone's posts and support especially those that shared personal similar experiences.

To address a couple of things. My daughter did not want to press charges and still doesn't. At the time this happened we were focused on getting her the help she needed. She is in a very good place in her life right now and she just doesn't want to go back and dig this up so for now we are not pressing charges.

I have talked to her about what is going on. I told her that we will never make her see/meet/spend time with John ever. And that her grandparents are making a terrible choice but they are solely responsible for it. NONE of this is her fault in any way.

While my sister and parents haven't denied the abuse happened they seemed to think that my daughter should have gotten over it by now. That we should just go back to "happy family gatherings". Never going to happen. We are most likely going out of town for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year as we love to travel and this may be a new tradition for us.

The one conclusion this thread has really solidified for me is that I am not inviting my parents to anything anymore and I am not calling them. I was doing all the work in the relationship before anyway and I am just going to stop. I checked on my mother's health when she was in the hospital but now I think I am done.

That sounds lovely. I'd love to be able to do that. I think you should embrace it.

I'm sorry this happened to you. There is nothing quite like the feeling of one's own parents making that kind of choice. Been there.

(Statistically, unfortunately I have to agree that 'John' will likely re-offend, but that's not on you.)

 

[mellvswdw1]

I am a survivor of a much older cousin who inappropriately touched me on several occasions. No one knew. I was 10-11 he was 17-18 and knew better, but I never told anyone. I deeply regret that I didn't tell my parents until I was in my late 20's. I also told them not to say anything until my grandmother passed. She died almost a year ago on august 19th. I'm turning 42 this year. My POS cousin has now sued her estate, and all the justice I've been waiting for will never happen. I was told by my uncles lawyer(my uncle is the executor) that if I confront him now it will not be seen well in the lawsuit against my uncles, and mother. It's another long story, let's just say that my cousin is a total piece of crap. I deeply regret never telling my parents and grandparents. Looking back they would have believed me, and life would be so different. My cousin would have been cut out of the will, he would have been ostracized, and my grandmothers estate wouldn't have been sued. Your daughter is a rockstar for telling and you need to blackhole(don't ever talk to your parents, sister, or older nephew) until they grovel for your forgiveness. The one thing that has rung true in my life is, as long as you hide abuse it festers and hurts, when you bring it into the sunlight it heals the soul. I'm so glad she's in the sunlight. Lots of warm thoughts and prayers for your daughter!

 

[fly girl]

OP, you're absolutely doing the best thing for you and your daughter. I'm so pleased to read she's in a good place right now. No doubt, your unwavering love and support helped her in countless ways.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself too, no sense wasting time extending yourself for what seems to be a lost cause. You've tried -- it's all on them.