Family situation - just need to vent

I doubt he's gotten any counseling. I urged my sister to get him some and she said "well he's an adult now" since he had turned 18.

I really fear he may have been molested. And either way he needs some intensive therapy which I know he hasn't gotten.

Sad.
 
You are doing the right thing. You are protecting your daughter and showing her that her needs and feelings are what matter. It is so important that she knows her parents will protect her. Unfortunately, my parents did not do that for me when I was in a similar situation with my older cousin.
 


So true. This has happened to me with my family. No abuse but my brother has acted inappropriately for more than ten years. I finally put my foot down to protect my family--dh and the kids. My entire family of origin closed ranks and tossed me and the kids. It's very common for the family to enable the sick, dysfunctional behaviour and to turn on the strong child (in this case, you). In their minds, you're the bad guy because you had the gall to highlight and name the bad behaviour, the sickness in the family. Your first, and only responsibility is to your daughter. It's hard to lose your parents this way, but it has to be this way. Good luck to you and hugs.

Exactly, especially the highlighted. They all would rather believe that your dd is lying than admit that John has a problem and did something inappropriate. Then they would have to look at themselves and wonder if they did anything to enable him or did they miss clues, etc. He is also living with the grandparents, so they don't want to believe that their gs would do that! It could reflect back on them and their parenting that they did as I would guess they were involved in his upbringing. (I could be wrong but since he lived with them then and still does. . .)

This is hindsight, but you probably should have pressed charges against him. It is tough to do, but he violated your dd and he should have been held accountable. Then he might have been ordered to have counseling. Hopefully, he won't do that to his new niece/nephew.

I agree to talk with dd and find out how she feels about the grandparents never coming over to see her, coming to her events, etc. If she cares, empathize with her and set up appointments with her therapist so she can work through this. If she doesn't care, quit inviting them. If you want to, call once a month and talk to your dad or mom and ask how they are doing healthwise and be prepared to hang up if they start in on you or dd about how "bad" you treat them.

Hang in there and surround yourself with people who care about you and your family, who are positive influences in your lives.
 
Similar thing happened in my best friend's family. Years later the Grandparents came right out & said they believed the girl was lying because the parents didn't go to the police. No police? Never happened.
 


I don't blame you for not pressing charges. On top of the fact that it would have been a lot more for your DD to go through, our system is messed up - and instead of the counseling you wanted your nephew to receive, he could have ended up with less hope of reform than ever.
 
You are doing the right thing. You have to be completely on your daughters side. What I learned from having a family member act inappropriately toward me and assault me is that you'll end up the bad guy. If a stranger were the one who did whatever you are dealing with, you'd get support from your family, with it being a family member everyone will just want to pretend it didn't happen and continue on. You'll be the bad guy for not wanting to do that. There's no way around it. You just have to do what's best for your daughter.
 
If my nephew molested my DD and my parents and the rest of the family took his side and gave my family the cold shoulder, they'd be dead to me. They have shown you their true character and how little they value your DD. You, on the other hand, have put her first, as you should. There is a good chance he has, or will, molest again. And they have all enabled him to do it.
 
If my nephew molested my DD and my parents and the rest of the family took his side and gave my family the cold shoulder, they'd be dead to me. They have shown you their true character and how little they value your DD. You, on the other hand, have put her first, as you should. There is a good chance he has, or will, molest again. And they have all enabled him to do it.

Yup, this. ^^^^

And pretty much what everyone else said. I've been through something similar with family.
 
I'm sorry their choice is hurting you so much. If it helps any, 99% of all families react exactly the same way.

To be frank, you need to set your feelings aside. It will do your daughter absolutely no good to be around them under any circumstances. She will have no misunderstanding about their thoughts on the situation. Continuing to associate with them will chip away at her and she absolutely does not need that.

It's not fair. It's not right. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better. But it is what it is and you are going to have to do what's necessary for your daughter's continued wellbeing. That does not include people who do not share the priority. Very best thoughts to all of you.
 
So has anyone else experienced this? A therapist friend told me this might happen that we might end up being the bad guys. I am clear that I will not have my children around John and as long as my parents have him living there we won't go over there home.

Otherwise, I am just very sad that my parents have done this to my children (I also have a younger son) and isolated them in what feels like preference over the other.

I have experienced the abuse--I was abused by a male cousin when I was about 6 or 7 and he was about 15 or 16. I'm glad that you know about what happened and are protecting your daughter and got her therapy. Unfortunately, I never told anyone in my family because I was always afraid of what you are going through--my cousin was beloved by all and I feared being called a liar and, like you say, the "bad guy". We abuse never seem to win, I don't think. And I only say that because to this day I still think about revealing my secret (my cousin has since passed away), but sadly, I'm still 100% sure that I would not be believed/wrong.

It is indeed a shame that family has drifted away because of the situation. But to be honest with you, if that's how they feel, then maybe it's better to keep them at a safe distance. I hope that they see the error of their ways soon, but stick to your guns and continue to protect your daughter, as such. That's probably the main thing that I cannot get over--that I did not have a support system to help me through everything. I did not realize how negatively the experience affected my life until I sought counseling for something else in my late 30s. Hugs to you and your family!!
 
Hugs to you. You are doing the right thing. Stuff like what your family is doing is one of the main reasons victims don't come forward. I understand your choice not to prosecute. All you can do now is to forge forward with the family you have. Your daughter needs to know that the rift your family has wrought is NOT her fault. She did nothing wrong. Always make sure she knows that. Shower her with love and support and to hell with anyone who would offer even a shred less!
 
Exactly, especially the highlighted.

This is hindsight, but you probably should have pressed charges against him. It is tough to do, but he violated your dd and he should have been held accountable. Then he might have been ordered to have counseling. Hopefully, he won't do that to his new niece/nephew.

Hang in there and surround yourself with people who care about you and your family, who are positive influences in your lives.

A former neighbor on our cul de sac -- a respected physician -- molested his own grand daughter. When the DGD told her daddy about gpa, the daddy spoke to his sister and warned her not to leave her DD's alone with gpa. Daddy asked her if she believed it. She said, "Oh yes. He did it to me too." On advice from his pastor, the daddy had gpa arrested and he served time.

So yes, I would be worried about a repeat offender.
 
Just to let you know, you are not alone. I don't want to get into specifics since I'm under my real name but I do understand your point of view. Even though the abuser admitted itin our case years later, their family still pretends it didn't happen. We also did not press charges but we found out many years later. Always wondered why this person (victim) acted out. The abuser has since passed away at a young age (40). We have invited the abusers dad to some holidays and such but they decline. When the abuser was alive, no one was allowed to go to his house (lived with mom/dad/brother). They could come over without him but they didn't.
I can only see my side which is anger, I have no idea what their feelings are and why they turn against the victim but it appears this isn't unusual.
 
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