Empty nest Christmas - ouch!

Wow. It is totally possible to be disappointed in plans changing or in not seeing your child on a holiday and not be a demanding unreasonable mother. The OP was disappointed that's it. She wasn't demanding anything.

For some reason her son wanted the big family Thanksgiving. He wanted to do that so they did. Maybe so everyone could meet his gf? He wanted to do a Christmas a certain way and then suddenly doesn't. The OP thought their plans for the holiday were made and suddenly they are not. It doesn't mean she thinks anyone is wrong or the bad guy just she is disappointed.

It takes some doing sometimes to find a way to celebrate as a family and fit everyone's schedules and expectations of the holiday. But it also takes time to plan. Last minute changes can throw big kinks in these things. And cause the disappointment the OP is feeling.
 
Sounds like our Boxing Day. My favourite day of the year! Just me, dh and the kids—all cozy in the house.
I've heard of Boxing Day on the British Baking Show, but I don't know what it is. What is it?
 
For me, it's not really about traditions. We're pretty flexible in general. It's more that two weeks ago they were coming and now they're not - for no real reason. I want them to have their own traditions, but I wasn't really expecting it to happen until the kids were older and making a life with someone else. This is our son who has always liked to visit us. DH and I were talking tonight and totally agreed that if it had been our younger son we wouldn't have been surprised by it at all!

A lot of my feelings are tied up in me thinking his girlfriend doesn't like me. I've gotten along well with past girlfriends, but this gal (who I actually like a lot and I think is a great fit for my son) and I haven't really connected. They've been dating a year and a half, but if we don't spend time together we can't get to know each other. I was looking forward to having them here without a whole bunch of other people since it was just going to be us. Hopefully they'll come another time. Unfortunately I work most of the week between Christmas and New Year's while they and my husband and younger son all have it all off. Then DH and I leave for New Year's weekend to go visit extended family.
When the girlfriends enter the picture life can get strange. My sister went through this with her DL for many years. She would be ignored, or DL would be crying over something in her room, it was all very strange. She just kept going over and trying to keep the family together. Eventually the two brothers no longer spent time together because of this one in-law. Today...they are divorced and the family can get back together. Now...enter the new girlfriend. She has her own ideas about the Holidays. Everything my sister tries to help with, she makes these small corrections...and my sister, through years of experience, takes it in stride. She is not a nightmare like the other one, but she has her own way of doing things. Here is an example of something the new girlfriend did. For Thanksgiving, the other brother's wife asked if she could bring something. So the new girlfriend said yes, cranberry sauce. But...can you put orange zest in it because that's how we always make it. My sister thought this was odd, and later mentioned to her that she thought it was good to let someone know what they should bring, but don't tell them how to make it. So, I suspect there is going to be a little bit of "unusual" happening with this situation. I guess my point is, everyone has their idiosyncrasies and we just have to roll with it the best we can. We can't control other people. No one is out there to intentional hurt someone else. We just all have are own stuff that we carry around. As long as our kids are happy....we can be happy for them. After all, isn't that what we all want for our kids?
 
I've heard of Boxing Day on the British Baking Show, but I don't know what it is. What is it?
Boxing day is just the day after Christmas day that's also a public holiday here. Here's the meaning of Boxing Day - 'A 'Christmas Box' in Britain is a name for a Christmas present. Boxing Day was traditionally a day off for servants and the day when they received a 'Christmas Box' from the master. The servants would also go home on Boxing Day to give 'Christmas Boxes' to their families.'
 


I've heard of Boxing Day on the British Baking Show, but I don't know what it is. What is it?
December 26; also known on some calendars as St. Stephen’s Day - It’s a holiday with deep British roots and still observed as a stat holiday in Commomwealth countries.

Apparently it was the day the aristocracy gave gifts to their servants and the commoners under their charge and time off to celebrate Christmas as of course they were waiting hand and foot on “the family” on Christmas Day itself. The name derives from the household servants “boxing up” the remnants of the lavish Christmas Day feasts held at the manor and distributing them amongst the serfs and themselves. There’s actually a Christmas carol about it’s origins “Good King Wenseslas”.

For lots of us it’s the “recovery day” after excess food, drink and frantic activity, before having to drag oneself back to work. :teeth: For others it makes a handy alternative to Christmas Day if you’ve got conflicting family obligations. We usually spend it either hosting or being invited by people we just couldn’t accommodate on the 25th.

As an aside, it’s also the biggest shopping day of the year here in Canada - much like your Black Friday. Stores advertise for weeks in advance and people line up at the mall in the wee hours. Prices are slashed and the “spending of the Christmas loot” is a tradition for many, my DH and DS included. You wouldn’t catch me dead out shopping on that day though. Merry Christmas. :santa:
 
I've heard of Boxing Day on the British Baking Show, but I don't know what it is. What is it?
Traditionally Boxing Day was the day the head of a household gifted his staff with Christmas boxes. Staff had worked the previous day and Boxing Day was their celebratory day.

Now in Canada, it’s just the day after Christmas. Some people go out and shop the sales. We just stay home and nest.

Eta @ronandannette beat me to it.
 
Traditionally Boxing Day was the day the head of a household gifted his staff with Christmas boxes. Staff had worked the previous day and Boxing Day was their celebratory day.

Now in Canada, it’s just the day after Christmas. Some people go out and shop the sales. We just stay home and nest.

Eta @ronandannette beat me to it.
@Scotgirl beat us both@ :wave2: Interesting to discuss this - we just got our 2018 company paid holiday calendar yesterday. Our company is a multi-national based in Winnipeg but with branches in the States. Seems like in 2018 for the first time, the "American cousins" are going to be getting Boxing Day as a paid holiday along with the rest of us!
 


December 26; also known on some calendars as St. Stephen’s Day - It’s a holiday with deep British roots and still observed as a stat holiday in Commomwealth countries.

Apparently it was the day the aristocracy gave gifts to their servants and the commoners under their charge and time off to celebrate Christmas as of course they were waiting hand and foot on “the family” on Christmas Day itself. The name derives from the household servants “boxing up” the remnants of the lavish Christmas Day feasts held at the manor and distributing them amongst the serfs and themselves. There’s actually a Christmas carol about it’s origins “Good King Wenseslas”.

For lots of us it’s the “recovery day” after excess food, drink and frantic activity, before having to drag oneself back to work. :teeth: For others it makes a handy alternative to Christmas Day if you’ve got conflicting family obligations. We usually spend it either hosting or being invited by people we just couldn’t accommodate on the 25th.

As an aside, it’s also the biggest shopping day of the year here in Canada - much like your Black Friday. Stores advertise for weeks in advance and people line up at the mall in the wee hours. Prices are slashed and the “spending of the Christmas loot” is a tradition for many, my DH and DS included. You wouldn’t catch me dead out shopping on that day though. Merry Christmas. :santa:
Interesting. Thank you. It seems it has morphed over the years...to recovery day. I like that idea because most folks have to go back to work the day after Christmas if it falls on a weekday. Everyone should have Boxing day off! So back then it was a day for the poor and the servants. Bet there's lots of things to say about that, but not going to make this political. Thanks for the history lesson.
 
@Scotgirl beat us both@ :wave2: Interesting to discuss this - we just got our 2018 company paid holiday calendar yesterday. Our company is a multi-national based in Winnipeg but with branches in the States. Seems like in 2018 for the first time, the "American cousins" are going to be getting Boxing Day as a paid holiday along with the rest of us!
Really...hope this trend spreads!
 
For a few years I had a group of friend and neighbors that we'd have a "leftover feast" with on boxing day. It was fun! I love the idea of another day of celebration.
 
And one person's tradition is another annoying/exhausting expectation of appropriate holiday behavior.
Maybe sometimes. But, I also think it’s important to realize & appreciate why some family traditions are important to some older family members & not just dismiss them.
 
Honestly, I would be upset too. In my friend group the only reasons you don’t celebrate a holiday with parents is because you simply don’t celebrate that holiday (choose not to once you are an adult), you are visiting the family of your spouse or GF/BF, you’re working, or you live further than a couple hours away from family (this is of course assuming parents you have non-estranged relationships with).

Both of them are young and probably don’t understand how hurtful this is, and they probably won’t until they have children (some are sympathetic before kids, but having children seems to flip the switch for many). Maybe they’re even thinking that “We were just there for Thanksgiving, we’ll be there for a different holiday soon enough, it’s not a big deal.”

I’m not saying to throw a pity party or try to make your son feel guilty, but I did want to express that I don’t think you’re wrong to be sad or disappointed. I hope you have fun as the three of you!

I agree. I've never spent a holiday without family. To me holidays are about family. Especially my parents and grandparents.

I remember one year when we lived near Buffalo my parents were pretty broke. We wanted to travel to NJ to be with family for Christmas. For whatever reason (I was young, about 11, but I think it's because they got paid that day) the only bus tickets they could get was Christmas Eve. We got on the bus at night, 12 hours on the bus and woke up on that bus in NJ Christmas morning. It meant so much for us to be with our family. I remember my grandma being in tears when we arrived. She was so happy.

I hope I've raised my kids to have that value of family and to be understanding. It would be extremely hurtful to me if they didn't see it was important to spend holidays together. But, like you, I wouldn't make a stink about it and keep quiet about it.

I do understand the issues of having each family in separate states and having to split holidays.
 
I agree. I've never spent a holiday without family. To me holidays are about family. Especially my parents and grandparents.

I remember one year when we lived near Buffalo my parents were pretty broke. We wanted to travel to NJ to be with family for Christmas. For whatever reason (I was young, about 11, but I think it's because they got paid that day) the only bus tickets they could get was Christmas Eve. We got on the bus at night, 12 hours on the bus and woke up on that bus in NJ Christmas morning. It meant so much for us to be with our family. I remember my grandma being in tears when we arrived. She was so happy.

I hope I've raised my kids to have that value of family and to be understanding. It would be extremely hurtful to me if they didn't see it was important to spend holidays together. But, like you, I wouldn't make a stink about it and keep quiet about it.

I do understand the issues of having each family in separate states and having to split holidays.
I think you worded this perfectly. I agree completely.
 
I am sure the first year they are both gone will hurt, but the next year, unless there are grand kids, we'll be off doing something with just the two of us, but we'll still put up the stockings.

This is exactly what DH and I have always said. The first year our two aren't coming home for a holiday, we're getting the heck out of Dodge.
 
She is not a nightmare like the other one, but she has her own way of doing things. Here is an example of something the new girlfriend did. For Thanksgiving, the other brother's wife asked if she could bring something. So the new girlfriend said yes, cranberry sauce. But...can you put orange zest in it because that's how we always make it. My sister thought this was odd, and later mentioned to her that she thought it was good to let someone know what they should bring, but don't tell them how to make it. So, I suspect there is going to be a little bit of "unusual" happening with this situation. I guess my point is, everyone has their idiosyncrasies and we just have to roll with it the best we can. We can't control other people. No one is out there to intentional hurt someone else. We just all have are own stuff that we carry around. As long as our kids are happy....we can be happy for them. After all, isn't that what we all want for our kids?

Yeah, I don't think that's an idiosyncrasy to get upset about. I have a friend who does the same thing. When we were new friends, she invited me to a barbecue at her house. I asked if I could bring something and she said "Hmmm. Let me think about it." I was fine with bringing something to the party -- but was expecting her to say "how about a dessert?" or "We could use a veggie tray." or even "Do you make good deviled eggs?" I was surprised when she brought me a recipe card and said "You can make this." Apparently she had her menu planned out, so she was taking me up on the offer, but she wanted to know what would be there.

It struck me as odd for her to be so specific, but she's actually a really nice person. And now I know, if I offer to bring something to her parties, she's going to tell me... with great specificity... what she wants me to bring. We've been friends for 15+ years now, though, and I don't think she, overall, has more "unusual" than anybody else.

And, as an aside... there's the flip side. One of the first Thanksgivings I was invited to my husband's house, I asked what I could bring. My mother-in-law said I could bring the cranberry sauce. I made my mom's cranberry relish recipe (which is really good, but not that easy to make). And when I brought it, mother-in-law took one look and said "Sigh. I think I have a can in the pantry somewhere." And nobody even TRIED mine. (It's really good, I swear.) They like the cranberry jelly in the shape of a can. If she'd told me they only eat the kind in a can, I could have saved myself a lot of time, money and hurt feelings. And, to be fair, my MIL is a pretty nice person overall, but everyone has their idiosyncracies, especially when it comes to holidays.
 
And one person's tradition is another annoying/exhausting expectation of appropriate holiday behavior.

I don't know about others, but it depends on who the person is that wants to hang on to traditions. I can't imagine feeling that a tradition of my parents or grandparents is "annoying". Having lost 3 or our 4 parents, 2 siblings and 3 nephews, DH and I are very much about family at Christmas. And I think Christmas is about thinking about more than oneself too. Maybe one should think about the person to who the tradition is important.
 
This son only lives an hour away and is not engaged or living with his girlfriend, so the "establishing our own traditions" caught me really off guard.

Are they going to be with her family? How old is he? I guess what gets me is that they aren't engaged or living together, What are they making "Traditions" for? An hour away if the roads are ok he can spend some time with his family imho
 
This son only lives an hour away and is not engaged or living with his girlfriend, so the "establishing our own traditions" caught me really off guard.

Are they going to be with her family? How old is he? I guess what gets me is that they aren't engaged or living together, What are they making "Traditions" for? An hour away if the roads are ok he can spend some time with his family imho
Maybe he has a proposal planned and he wants to keep it a secret so he's being intentionally vague.
 
We are alone for Christmas now. Granted, we only have one child, so Christmas has frequently been DH, DD, and me. However, it's really weird now that it's just 2 of us. DD24 has her own home with her boyfriend, a 6 hour drive away (we are in ME, they are in CT). They stay at their house for Christmas, then meet us half-way between our homes for a Cousins Reunion with my MA relatives on 12/27-29. It's fine, I understand not wanting to schlepp presents all around New England... but it's just odd to have it be only DH and me at home for Christmas. Last year we didn't plan anything, just sat around in our sweats, read, did a puzzle, etc. Know what that felt like? Every Sunday of the year. There was absolutely nothing special about it being Christmas once we were done opening presents. THIS year, we aren't even going to do stockings. I feel like we are just going through the motions now. Kinda pathetic, I know. Travel is out because of our work commitments (I work until 3pm on 12/22) and having to be in Mass for 12/27, and I am not a fan of making travel plans in the winter. Between the weather and the roads, you can never count on being able to get to Boston or Portland for a flight, and prices are prohibitive from Bangor. ANYHOW... Christmas is pretty much a bust for me now. We haven't put up the tree, the presents aren't wrapped, etc. I am, however, looking forward to the 27th when we'll celebrate with DD and her boyfriend, my sister, brother, nieces, nephews, and about 20 cousins. We all stay 2 nights in a hotel in Portsmouth, NH, and have a BLAST just being together!
 

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