Empty nest Christmas - ouch!

Thank you, I'm feeling better already. I guess I just thought we had plans already and to find out we really don't was a surprise. I'm trying to figure out what changed and why. DS's girlfriend is very nice, but we just haven't really bonded. I'm guessing she had enough of us at Thanksgiving since she visited extended family with us. I think she is "the one" and we are happy about that, but this doesn't bode well for future holidays even if we do live close by.

I'm not finding much that will be open either here or in the city. Right now I'm leaning towards dinner out (maybe a hibachi steak house?) and a movie. Some restaurants and movie theaters seem to be open. If it were just DH and I we'd probably just stay home and treat it like another day except for church, but our other son will be with us. I want it to be fun for him.

I've had lots of great empty nest holidays before establishing traditions with our kids, but it means planning ahead and inviting people not last minute. We'll do that in the future with no problem now that we know family holidays aren't a given anymore - this one just came as a surprise!
:grouphug: Tough situation. I do so love what @ThistleMae has said though - deeply touching and right on point.

Please don’t feel like it’s too late to organize something with friends. There may be more of them than you know who are just in your same spot right now and would love nothing better than to receive an invitation. Start talking to people close to you and see what’s going on. And really consider accepting if somebody invites you. Be determined to cobble together a “merry little Christmas”! It may not be the best ever but it doesn’t have to be terrible.
 
I feel ya! I wasn't ready for things to change either for me this year but they did. I have 3 kids and my 2 oldest moved out this year so Christmas morning will be just my dd home with us. She is 19 and is heart broken her big brothers won't be home in the morning with her. We had this happen to our best friends 2 years ago. They woke up Christmas morning to an empty house so we invited them over for a late breakfast with us. We will continue that this year. I hope that our boys will join us later in the day to open presents and either get carry out or I will cook our traditional meal. They both have gf's so I am not sure what the plan is but I guess I will just have to roll with it. Also right now my MIL has Christmas eve and my 3 kids have to be there for that so I hope that because of that my Christmas isn't postponed because of the boys gf's wanting to spend Christmas day with their families and my boys. I know that will only be a short time since my IL's are old but I do have to say that I will be a tiny bit upset about it. I sure do miss when we all woke up together but life changes and I will just be happy that we are together at some point in the day (fingers crossed).

Happy holiday's OP!
 
What do you do? Drink, lol. But really, Christmas Day is a great time to do something like go to a movie or a show. Before kids my husband and I would go to the movie with his parents every Christmas afternoon and it was pretty much empty.
 
Honestly, I would be upset too. In my friend group the only reasons you don’t celebrate a holiday with parents is because you simply don’t celebrate that holiday (choose not to once you are an adult), you are visiting the family of your spouse or GF/BF, you’re working, or you live further than a couple hours away from family (this is of course assuming parents you have non-estranged relationships with).

Both of them are young and probably don’t understand how hurtful this is, and they probably won’t until they have children (some are sympathetic before kids, but having children seems to flip the switch for many). Maybe they’re even thinking that “We were just there for Thanksgiving, we’ll be there for a different holiday soon enough, it’s not a big deal.”

I’m not saying to throw a pity party or try to make your son feel guilty, but I did want to express that I don’t think you’re wrong to be sad or disappointed. I hope you have fun as the three of you!
 


Op, I know how hard the change is and I applaud you for releasing your upset here, instead of at your kids. When I married, my parents never adjusted to me not being there Christmas morning. They didn’t like that our festivities were about six hours on Christmas Eve. They made that known and have subsequently disowned me because they just couldn’t adjust to the shift in traditions.

My mother in law is so wise. She says you rejoice when your children are with you and when they do visit. She says she is mindful to make time together happy, stress free and welcoming. I learn so much from her.

Good luck this season. I wish you well.
 
DD has had to work the past 3 or 4 Christmas'. Everyone that wants to travel at Christmas needs people to work at those places so....

DH and I sometimes still go to my mother's, some years we haven't. The years we haven't we stayed at home, fixed a big breakfast and stayed in our PJs all day. We would break out a jigsaw puzzle and work on it most of the day while watching tv. It was actually nice to just chill.
 
DD has had to work the past 3 or 4 Christmas'. Everyone that wants to travel at Christmas needs people to work at those places so....

DH and I sometimes still go to my mother's, some years we haven't. The years we haven't we stayed at home, fixed a big breakfast and stayed in our PJs all day. We would break out a jigsaw puzzle and work on it most of the day while watching tv. It was actually nice to just chill.
Sounds like our Boxing Day. My favourite day of the year! Just me, dh and the kids—all cozy in the house.
 


That sounds like a good day to do a Star Wars movie marathon, concluding with seeing the new Star Wars movie in a movie theater in the afternoon on Christmas Day. Bonus points if you can see it on an IMAX screen.
 
OP you are not alone in feeling this way. When the kids were young we would have Christmas Eve at my in-laws and Christmas Day at my brothers out in the country. We were always around 25 people with all the noise and festivities you can imagine. Slowly, over the past 10 years or so things have changed. Some parents have died, others are much older and cannot leave the house. small kids have become big kids etc. It makes me sad remembering those years. This year both my brothers and wives are leaving on vacation on Christmas/new years. Christmas eve will be my immediate family at home with a special meal and gift giving. Christmas day we will go have lunch with my parents and basically spend the day with them so that they are not alone. My mom had a stroke 2 years ago and cannot easily leave the house in winter. It bugs me, if I'm honest, that both db's decided to leave our parents alone for the holidays as I don't know if they (especially my dm) will be around next year. So, it all falls on me. New Years day dh will make the effort to go get them so they can spend the day at our house. I say "effort" as it takes my mom at least 15-20 minutes to exit her home and get in the car with her walking aids and with my dh supporting her. I am extremely thankful to still have her around and in our lives.

Enjoy your holidays with your family op.
 
Christmas has been getting smaller for quite a few years and I thought I was prepared, but....

We've always celebrated holidays with 4 families, and two of them have moved away. The two families remaining have gotten smaller as kids grow up and aren't always home, etc. This year the other family will all be out of town so it was going to be just us. I know one son will be home and I thought (assumed, my bad) the other son and his girl friend would be coming either for the night if they wanted to go to Christmas Eve church with us or maybe just Christmas Day for dinner. Last I heard (when we talked about it at Thanksgiving) they were planning to come. I just found out they are going to make other plans and start new traditions. OK.

I thought I was prepared for my kids to do this. They'd have trips planned, they'd move away, they'd have work, they'd have in-laws to celebrate with. I guess it didn't occur to me they'd just decide they just plain didn't want to either come over or invite us over. We already planned our trip to visit extended family for a different time knowing our kids wouldn't be going with us for that.

This son only lives an hour away and is not engaged or living with his girlfriend, so the "establishing our own traditions" caught me really off guard.

I guess I'm taking down the stockings I just hung yesterday. Looking at them is making me feel bad!

I've always prided myself on being very laid back, but guess I'm one of "those moms" that can't let go.
I'm just really caught off guard!

Be gentle with me, I know they have every right to do this! It's just so unexpected this year that my feelings are very tender.

So - what do we do on Christmas Day with only 3 people?
I know naturally kids do this & I did it too to some extent when I was a young adult. But, my dad passed away this Feb & I would love nothing more than to spend a traditional Christmas with him. As I’ve gotten older (even before he died), I have started to realize more & more how important family is to me & how fleeting life can be. Hopefully, for your kids’ sake they also realize this sooner than later b/c I can speak from experience that they’ll miss that time when it’s gone. We have a nephew who is a young adult going through this right now. Got a little preachy on him but tried to make him realize the same thing. Although he’ll have to come to it on his own, I think it has helped him look at things differently.
 
Honestly, I would be upset too. In my friend group the only reasons you don’t celebrate a holiday with parents is because you simply don’t celebrate that holiday (choose not to once you are an adult), you are visiting the family of your spouse or GF/BF, you’re working, or you live further than a couple hours away from family (this is of course assuming parents you have non-estranged relationships with).

Both of them are young and probably don’t understand how hurtful this is, and they probably won’t until they have children (some are sympathetic before kids, but having children seems to flip the switch for many). Maybe they’re even thinking that “We were just there for Thanksgiving, we’ll be there for a different holiday soon enough, it’s not a big deal.”

I’m not saying to throw a pity party or try to make your son feel guilty, but I did want to express that I don’t think you’re wrong to be sad or disappointed. I hope you have fun as the three of you!

Yeah. You've hit it on the head. I was really thrown by them not coming without what I consider to be an "acceptable reason." I know they don't need a reason, but ouch! I really think because Thanksgiving was a big deal this year (drove 400 miles each way to spend it with a lot of extended family) that his girlfriend was overwhelmed. Funny thing is that they were ones who suggested the Thanksgiving trip! I've been hoping to get to know this girlfriend better, so I worry that this doesn't bode well for the future.

This son has missed holidays before, but it was to spend them with a (past)girlfriend's parents. That didn't hurt my feelings at all. That's perfectly normal IMO. The seemingly "we don't really have plans but want to spend it establishing new traditions without you" thing is what threw me.

I'm feeling much better this morning, but last night I was upset. We are not a family that is big on traditions and we're pretty flexible in general so I did not expect to be bothered by changes, but this blindsided me. I'm curious how our younger son will feel about this. This is probably his (younger son's) last regular holiday with us before he starts a career where he will work holidays.

I think I'm ready to let it go. Thanks, everyone, for helping me work it through!
 
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If I were in your situation (and one day I will be), my husband and I will have a nice, quiet, drama free Christmas with just the two of us. We'd watch movies all day, drink some wine, put on a fire and have a nice dinner. I hope you can find something nice like that to look forward to as well.

I remember before the kids we had nice holidays, and after them we will also.
 
My mother in law is so wise. She says you rejoice when your children are with you and when they do visit. She says she is mindful to make time together happy, stress free and welcoming. I learn so much from her.

As my kids have grown up, this is absolutely who I strive to be!

Yeah. You've hit it on the head. I was really thrown by them not coming without what I consider to be an "acceptable reason." I know they don't need a reason, but ouch! I really think because Thanksgiving was a big deal this year (drove 400 miles each way to spend it with a lot of extended family) that his girlfriend was overwhelmed. Funny thing is that they were ones who suggested the Thanksgiving trip! I've been hoping to get to know this girlfriend better, so I worry that this doesn't bode well for the future.

This son has missed holidays before, but it was to spend them with a (past)girlfriend's parents. That didn't hurt my feelings at all. That's perfectly normal IMO. The seemingly "we don't really have plans but want to spend it establishing new traditions without you" thing is what threw me.

I'm feeling much better this morning, but last night I was upset. We are not a family that is big on traditions and we're pretty flexible in general so I did not expect to be bothered by changes, but this blindsided me. I'm curious how our younger son will feel about this. This is probably his (younger son's) last regular holiday with us before he starts a career where he will work holidays.

I think I'm ready to let it go. Thanks, everyone, for helping me work it through!

I completely understand and would be hurt/disappointed too. Honestly if there is anything good to do in the nearby town where they live, I'd probably go there to the fanciest restaurant in town and then go to the Nutcracker or Imax.

I'm glad you are feeling better and hope that you have a nice day.
 
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:hug: I can relate

Have you thought about inviting people who have nowhere else to go, or your son's friends who would appreciate spending an afternoon/evening with you? You could have dinner, play games, etc? My daughter did this one year, where she invited a bunch of friends, and they had a great time at our house. I normally will go to the movies, and if I get together with my friends we'll go to Farmers Market/The Grove (Los Angeles) and have dinner and see a movie.
 
Yeah. You've hit it on the head. I was really thrown by them not coming without what I consider to be an "acceptable reason." I know they don't need a reason, but ouch! I really think because Thanksgiving was a big deal this year (drove 400 miles each way to spend it with a lot of extended family) that his girlfriend was overwhelmed. Funny thing is that they were ones who suggested the Thanksgiving trip! I've been hoping to get to know this girlfriend better, so I worry that this doesn't bode well for the future.

This son has missed holidays before, but it was to spend them with a (past)girlfriend's parents. That didn't hurt my feelings at all. That's perfectly normal IMO. The seemingly "we don't really have plans but want to spend it establishing new traditions without you" thing is what threw me.

I'm feeling much better this morning, but last night I was upset. We are not a family that is big on traditions and we're pretty flexible in general so I did not expect to be bothered by changes, but this blindsided me. I'm curious how our younger son will feel about this. This is probably his (younger son's) last regular holiday with us before he starts a career where he will work holidays.

I think I'm ready to let it go. Thanks, everyone, for helping me work it through!

I'd be overwhelmed by that drive and that much extended family too. I'm not sure how long they've been in a relationship, but I remember when I was first together with DH that we really wanted to be alone on holidays. Whether the kids come or not will be different year to year so don't worry this is a sign of lonely times to come. We've enjoyed both huge and small parties over the years. After growing up with 100 people in my aunt's basement on Christmas Eve, it became a day of hitting church and stopping by my mom's for a quick dinner...and they were both great. Just look at everything as an opportunity. It's easy for me to say because my oldest is only a senior -- but we know to enjoy the last Christmas of this chapter this year.
 
I have no contact with my family of origin. We either travel (long trip to Disney) or go out to a fancy dinner downtown with just our kids. It is wonderful although different. Find your own new traditions to make it special. This year we opened up our Thanksgiving plans to friends and ended up with 16 people! You would be surprised how many friends do not have/see extended family on holidays. I know your bummed but make some plans with your son and have fun.
 
Yeah. You've hit it on the head. I was really thrown by them not coming without what I consider to be an "acceptable reason." I know they don't need a reason, but ouch! I really think because Thanksgiving was a big deal this year (drove 400 miles each way to spend it with a lot of extended family) that his girlfriend was overwhelmed. Funny thing is that they were ones who suggested the Thanksgiving trip! I've been hoping to get to know this girlfriend better, so I worry that this doesn't bode well for the future.

This son has missed holidays before, but it was to spend them with a (past)girlfriend's parents. That didn't hurt my feelings at all. That's perfectly normal IMO. The seemingly "we don't really have plans but want to spend it establishing new traditions without you" thing is what threw me.

I'm feeling much better this morning, but last night I was upset. We are not a family that is big on traditions and we're pretty flexible in general so I did not expect to be bothered by changes, but this blindsided me. I'm curious how our younger son will feel about this. This is probably his (younger son's) last regular holiday with us before he starts a career where he will work holidays.

I think I'm ready to let it go. Thanks, everyone, for helping me work it through!

Is it possible to plan something with both sons and the gf after Christmas? That way you can do something that day special with your one son and then have the whole family later?

We have "done" Christmas so many different ways since the kids have grown up. With my eldest working offshore and many years overseas it's been quite a trick to do it some years.
 
If that happens to me, I’ll be so sad. I know that kids grow up and start their own traditions, but I’m not ready to give them up just yet.

My husband refuses to go to his mother’s house for the holidays. Dinner is scheduled for this Sunday and he still hasn’t told her whether we are going. My MIL blames me even though I am willing to go. Just be aware that there may be stuff in the background that is not necessarily the girlfriend’s choice.
 
Or maybe they were invited to a party by their peers.
Or maybe they just "vant" to be alone with no further reflection on anyone else and the idea is being over thought.
I so hope you find a something to do in your city that gives pleasure to you and yours and that the serenity of the season envelopes you all.
 
Yeah, I am beginning to think some of the being alone is part of what is going on with Dd and her bf. I can't say he or they don't want to spend time with us as they do all the time. He is a cop and may be working Christmas Eve or he may be working Christmas Day, they keep switching his shifts.

I realized this afternoon the reason she is giving me a hard time about a time on Christmas Day is due to them trying to find time to be alone on the holiday.

I told her today to wait until we find out his schedule and we will go from there.

So please don't assume anything is wrong or you have done some wrong,op. It may just be them wanting some time alone to celebrate.
 

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