Autism and Wedding Job

[Tistal]

After tirelessly searching the internet and wracking my brain (and DH's), I figured I would stop here and look for some advice.

My sister (I'll refer to her as B) is getting married next summer. I'm her Matron of Honor, and I have been tasked with finding a task for my other sister (I'll refer to her as K) at the wedding.

Both B and I are typically-abled; however, K is on the autism spectrum. She's diagnosed as Asperger's, but her therapist and the mentor who helps my mother navigate the school system's red tape do not think that that is the appropriate diagnosis for her as her abilities are not as high functioning as is expected from someone with that diagnosis. K is 18, but she has the social functions of a typically-abled 10-12 year old on a good day.

While I love my sister to pieces, and I would do anything for her, I'm having a very hard time coming up with a task. B has already assigned program distribution duties to the siblings of the flower girl and ring bearer, so that job is out. B is not having anyone stand up with her and her husband to be at the ceremony, so the role of bridesmaid is out.

Having her do a reading at the ceremony or reception isn't really an option as she has speech delays and is easily flustered reading out loud; I am worried that she will get embarrassed. She is aware of when others are uncomfortable at her expense. Before she was placed in the correct placement at school, she was ridiculed unmercifully when having to read out loud in class; it's not a place I want to take her back to. While our family is familiar with her, the groom's family is not. And, no one wants either of my sisters or myself to sing.

The reality is, I want her to be happy, and I want her to feel like she's helping as she is one of the sweetest people I know. She takes great pride in helping others, and I know she wants to help. If I don't find something for her to do, I know she will feel left out; that breaks my heart. I'm just having a hard time finding a role that is perfect for her. It could be at the ceremony, rehearsal dinner or reception.

I've spent months agonizing over this; I need help. I'm hoping someone out there has an idea that I haven't thought of yet.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Could she stand by the guest book, thank people for come and remind them to sign the book?

 

[kirstenb1]

Could she stand by the guest book, thank people for come and remind them to sign the book?

I thought the same exact thing!!! It is the most "low key" responsibility I can think of. Hopefully will be minimal "social stress" for your sister, yet she's still an integral part of the wedding party.

 

[bookwormde]

First thing obviously is to talk to K and ask her what she thinks she might want to do.

Sometimes if it works with the "style" is to record a reading or something else to be a part.

It supposed to be a fun day for everyone, so keep the pressure to a minimum and go with the flow.

 

[kathyk2]

Could she be an usher and tell people where to sit at the ceremony? Could she help with the favors for the reception?

 

[bookwormde]

Often it s vey stressful to deal with a multitude of individuals when the interface is not clear and defined, particularly if they are not familiar. How big is the wedding?

 

[DLgal]

I would recommend having her hand out table placement cards and showing people where they are supposed to sit at the reception. Give her a job where there is a "right" answer. It will be right up her alley, probably, to find cards with people's names on them, find the table number on a diagram, and walk or point them to the corresponding table.

 

[Tistal]

She's having a very large wedding, and she's being very bridezillia about it (but that's a whole different ball of wax). There will be a lot of people there that K does not know.

The guest book would work, but she's not doing a traditional guest book. Guests will be seated and her "guest book" will be at everyone's seat (she's doing some sort of scrap book thing). I asked B about having K as an usher, and I got, "That's a guy's job" (insert eye roll here; I thought we were in the year 2013 where a woman could do that job too).

I also came up with the idea of giving her a budget and letting her put together the entertainment table for the little kids. This is something K would be very good at; she relates well to little kids and she gets along with them very well (the reality is they don't judge her like adults do). With some guidance, which I would be more than happy to give her, she would do an outstanding job with this. That got shot down too.

The wedding is a destination wedding on the beach with a reception in a pier house if that helps. Like I said, I've been thinking about this for several months, and I haven't successfully come up with anything.

Edit: I really appreciate the feedback I've gotten thus far. There are some very good ideas here. I'm probably going to have to go to B with a list of options and talk her into something.

 

[Mickey'sApprentice]

I don't see why your sister couldn't have both a maid and matron of honor. If it is a large-ish wedding then it will be totally appropriate for her to have more than one person representing her. It would probably make her day if she were actually the one who got to sign the book.

There are 3 girls in my family, all normal ability. I am "the baby."

When my eldest sister got married the first time, she made my sister the middle child her maid of honor. I was totally ok with that. I have always been especially close to our middle sister and was totally miffed when she chose my oldest sister to be her Maid/Matron of honor. I was so miffed that when I got married a year later, I made sure to make my oldest sister the Maid/Matron of honor. I mean...how dare she do that. After I got married, my oldest sister remarried and had a church wedding. When she mentioned making the middle sister her Matron of Honor...I finally blew that gasket. Both of my sisters were shocked that I had felt slighted, but then realized that of course I had felt very left out. They were just trying to give the job to the thinner sister. I bet that your sister knows she is different and knows that is why she is not being asked. It doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

[Caseheidi]

Just a couple ideas:

* Put her in charge of the corsages / boutonnière and have her make sure they get to the correct person
* Gift Table runner: collect gifts as people come in and take them to the right place
* Give her a camera and have her take group shots of each table during the reception. Kind of like when people would leave a single use camera for candid shots, but instead she would get photos of the guests
* Greeter at either ceremony or reception
* Bridal assistant: There with the Bride as she is getting ready to run quick errands and help get ready
* Pass out party favors
* Decorating the get away car (with help)
* Are they doing the traditional get away, with bird seed or bubbles? She could pass these out

Good luck. I am sure you will find something.

 

[WheeledTraveler]

This is going to sound harsh, but it sounds like at some point (probably after you give a list of ideas to B and she continues to say no to them) you may need to say to her "do you really want K involved or are you saying you do because she's also your sister". You said B was being Bridezilla-ish and it sounds to me like she doesn't really want K involved for fear she'd mess some of the "perfect" plans up, but knows that would make her look bad so is trying to dump it on you. Your other option would be to make a decision and just not tell B. Some of the suggested positions have been ones K is unlikely to have any sort of contact with anyway. I think Mickey'sApprentice's story is spot on. (I also think it's unfair the way that your sister seems to want to both control things minutely and dump them on you, but that's not what you're asking about.) It is, of course, also possible that B doesn't realize that she's being a Bridezilla.

I'll admit that I love weddings, but I do not understand this blinkered focus on all the peripherals that aren't really necessary for the formalizing of the commitment to the relationship. It's great to have a gorgeous wedding dress, good food, be able to spent loads of money, and have everything go to plan, but if not having those things is going to somehow mar the relationship down the road, it's not the right relationship to be getting married. My parents had a wedding that was thrown together in 3 months, the cake cracked, their venue was what they could get for free, they didn't get any food (AFAIK it was potluck anyway), and then drove 4 hours home so that my father could go back to work on Monday (Saturday wedding). That was 33 years ago and they're still going strong. Would I love to be able to do a "dream dress" and have my "perfect" wedding, of course, but I've always had trouble getting past the wedding dress and the ceremony (and I'm not religious so there's no religious sentiment to the ceremony for me). And I'd really hope that one of my friends or family would call me on it if I was even hinting near Bridezilla territory during the planning. There's reasonable, but considering how many ideas B has shot down or blocked when it comes to K, it seems to me that she's moved past that.

 

[Tistal]

This is going to sound harsh, but it sounds like at some point (probably after you give a list of ideas to B and she continues to say no to them) you may need to say to her "do you really want K involved or are you saying you do because she's also your sister". You said B was being Bridezilla-ish and it sounds to me like she doesn't really want K involved for fear she'd mess some of the "perfect" plans up, but knows that would make her look bad so is trying to dump it on you. Your other option would be to make a decision and just not tell B. Some of the suggested positions have been ones K is unlikely to have any sort of contact with anyway. I think Mickey'sApprentice's story is spot on. (I also think it's unfair the way that your sister seems to want to both control things minutely and dump them on you, but that's not what you're asking about.) It is, of course, also possible that B doesn't realize that she's being a Bridezilla.

This is very spot on. I myself have already been uninvited to this wedding once (along with my husband being instructed on how he should have his facial hair and hair cut....he works in an office; he doesn't have anything outlandish and an underhanded hint that I have to dye my hair as I have some gray, but we're not here to have that discussion; I probably wouldn't be able to get off my soapbox for days, and this isn't the place for it). If she doesn't know she's being bridezillia, I don't know what to think.

A lot of it is based on her perception of perfection. Years ago, DH and I got married on a shoestring budget, my sister....not so much (her's would make a nice down payment on a house to give you a ballpark number). I know the answer to her wanting her sister involved or not, and it's not a nice answer. B has some misguided feelings that her childhood/life was ruined by having a sister with special needs (she is 8 years older than K; childhood not ruined), and her feelings are spilling over into this; I'm left playing peacekeeper. But, how do I crush K's feelings and tell her that her sister who lives several states away resents and loathes her when she thinks the world of her? I can't, and if that's a personal failure of mine I accept it; that would be hard for a typically-abled individual to take. It's a messy situation, and I know it.

I'm probably going to end up doing as someone suggested and just give her a job and not tell B. If she wants to freak out in the middle of her reception and make herself look poorly, that's her business. The reality is K wants to help; that's the kind of girl she is, and I know she would be crushed if I can't find a way for that to happen.

There are several great ideas here, and I really appreciate all of them. And thank you for giving me a bit of a place to vent too.

 

[JessM]

Are they still going to have a cake? Could she help out with the cake serving? I am a part of a very large family so not all the kids can be flower girls, junior bridesmaids or miniture brides at all of the cousins weddings so the girls who are 18 and under who want to help normally help by passing out cake in my family.

At my last cousin's weddings she made 3 of the younger female cousins her "special girls" for the day (she already had a flower girl, miniture bride and junior bridesmaid). They wore matching flowers to the bridal parties in their hair and she made them "special girls" tee shirts that matched those the bridal party got ready in, did the shower in, etc. The Special Girls did all kinds of helpful things that day, handed out programs, helped the flower girl and ring bearer down the aisle, served the cake, helped out at the candy bar, etc. They all loved it! They felt so important and grown up. Could your sister do something like this? It would give her a nice title too.

 

[lanejudy]

...I'm probably going to end up doing as someone suggested and just give her a job and not tell B. If she wants to freak out in the middle of her reception and make herself look poorly, that's her business. The reality is K wants to help; that's the kind of girl she is, and I know she would be crushed if I can't find a way for that to happen. ...

Thinking "outside the box" here...could K be YOUR assistant? As matron of honor, I'm sure you have several duties she could help with. Bridal shower plans, favors, keeping track of the little extras on the wedding day -- sewing kit, extra bobby pins, make-up. Sounds like you and K get along splendidly, and K really wants to help, so having her help you might be the best choice - and removes her just a tad from directly impacting B who could end up moody and quite needy on the big day. Help K pick out a special dress that compliments yours. Without a full contingent of bridesmaids to also help, I'd think K could be your assistant with those duties.

Good luck!

 

[wiigirl]

Could she stand by the guest book, thank people for come and remind them to sign the book?

Exactly what I was thinking...

 

[WheeledTraveler]

I have to say that I'm sorry that my previous comment was so spot on. It's really B's loss that she feels this way about everything.

Thinking "outside the box" here...could K be YOUR assistant? As matron of honor, I'm sure you have several duties she could help with. Bridal shower plans, favors, keeping track of the little extras on the wedding day -- sewing kit, extra bobby pins, make-up. Sounds like you and K get along splendidly, and K really wants to help, so having her help you might be the best choice - and removes her just a tad from directly impacting B who could end up moody and quite needy on the big day. Help K pick out a special dress that compliments yours. Without a full contingent of bridesmaids to also help, I'd think K could be your assistant with those duties.

I think this is a great idea.

 

[bopper]

Does K really care if she has a "part" in the wedding? Is B or you trying to give her one just to be "fair"?

Like someone else said, can she be helpful to you and the bride without having a title?
Can she help put together programs or put stamps on invitations?

 

[babyrich]

I didnt read through all the posts.. but is there a program that she could hand out to the guests as they enter the ceremony area?