Trusting Someone

luvsJack · Jan 21, 2018

Can you learn to trust someone? Does everyone in your life have to earn your trust? If you do trust them, how many questionable things have to happen to make you not trust them?

So you meet A. You like A, they seem to be a trust worthy person and seem to mean what they say and mean what they do. A becomes a big part of your life and family.

But you start noticing things that don’t add up. Little things, like how everything is someone else’s fault. At first the someone else is pretty conniving and back stabbing so, you believe A. Then it becomes stuff that the other person could not possibly do, they just don’t have that kind of power.

Then you start hearing things that again don’t add up. So finally you confront A. A starts out saying it’s all not true and someone is just starting rumors. You believe them and then 10 minutes into the conversation, A leaves the room, says a panic attack is coming. So you leave. You are then told that the subject can never be discussed in front of A because it will cause a panic attack. And yet A keeps brining it up in a “joking” manner.

A refuses to confront the person who started these “rumors”. And this rumor could really blow up A’s whole life. It’s a pretty big deal. No confrontation, no discussion, nothing. Just ignore it and hope it goes away.

The person says they have proof. I have not seen it. But if I was A, I would call the person out. Ask to see the proof. Take the power away from them. Would other’s not do this?

Maybe I am wrong. And I have never had a panic attack so not sure how it works. But it seems like avoidance in this situation. Part of what A is upset about is talking about it to A rather than just having the conversation with the A’s SO. Wouldn’t that be going behind A’s back?

If someone heard something really bad about you, would you rather they go straight to you or to someone else first?

Just trying to maybe see the other side of this and hoping to get some of the trust back.

dclpluto · Jan 21, 2018

luvsJack said:
Can you learn to trust someone? Does everyone in your life have to earn your trust? If you do trust them, how many questionable things have to happen to make you not trust them?

So you meet A. You like A, they seem to be a trust worthy person and seem to mean what they say and mean what they do. A becomes a big part of your life and family.

But you start noticing things that don’t add up. Little things, like how everything is someone else’s fault. At first the someone else is pretty conniving and back stabbing so, you believe A. Then it becomes stuff that the other person could not possibly do, they just don’t have that kind of power.

Then you start hearing things that again don’t add up. So finally you confront A. A starts out saying it’s all not true and someone is just starting rumors. You believe them and then 10 minutes into the conversation, A leaves the room, says a panic attack is coming. So you leave. You are then told that the subject can never be discussed in front of A because it will cause a panic attack. And yet A keeps brining it up in a “joking” manner.

A refuses to confront the person who started these “rumors”. And this rumor could really blow up A’s whole life. It’s a pretty big deal. No confrontation, no discussion, nothing. Just ignore it and hope it goes away.

The person says they have proof. I have not seen it. But if I was A, I would call the person out. Ask to see the proof. Take the power away from them. Would other’s not do this?

Maybe I am wrong. And I have never had a panic attack so not sure how it works. But it seems like avoidance in this situation. Part of what A is upset about is talking about it to A rather than just having the conversation with the A’s SO. Wouldn’t that be going behind A’s back?

If someone heard something really bad about you, would you rather they go straight to you or to someone else first?

Just trying to maybe see the other side of this and hoping to get some of the trust back.

DTA

Allison · Jan 21, 2018

Not sure what you are talking about.

luvsJack · Jan 21, 2018

Allison said:
Not sure what you are talking about.

Not going to go into too many details but basically someone was accused of doing something that could end their career and their relationship. They are saying it’s a rumor and lies. And they refuse to talk about it due to the threat of having a panic attack.

They also refuse to confront the person who claims to have proof of said accusation The rumor isn’t going away. And A is making themselves look guilty due to lack of doing anything about it. Or at least it seems so to me. But I admit that I could be looking at it all wrong.

Mizzoufan · Jan 21, 2018

Once I lose trust in someone it takes a long long time for someone to gain trust back. It's not something I dose out freely for people to use.

handinpocket · Jan 21, 2018

Too vague for me to even form an opinion.

Allison · Jan 21, 2018

No idea of course what really may have happened or not happened. But, not trusting someone based on them dealing with something differently than the way you would doesn't seem to be a really solid reason.

okeydokey · Jan 21, 2018

It’s impossible to say with the details, lack of, presented here? How are you directly impacted by this possible rumor? Are you? If not, then just let it play out.

morgan98 · Jan 21, 2018

Sounds like a lot of drama? Are you A or A's significant other? If not, as hard as it may be, just sit back and watch it unfold.

luvsJack · Jan 21, 2018

Allison said:
No idea of course what really may have happened or not happened. But, not trusting someone based on them dealing with something differently than the way you would doesn't seem to be a really solid reason.

And that is what I don’t want to do. I want to trust what this person says, but the person makes it very hard.

luvsJack · Jan 21, 2018

morgan98 said:
Sounds like a lot of drama? Are you A or A's significant other? If not, as hard as it may be, just sit back and watch it unfold.

I wish I could. I am neither A nor is A my husband. But we have a huge decision to make based on our feelings on this person. We don’t have to trust A as long as the SO does. But we do have to feel right about the decision we make before it hurts someone.

It is a lot of drama. I wish I had never been given the information. I do think that some of the people involved cause a lot of unecessary drama and have removed these people from our lives.

We held onto the information for a few weeks trying to decide what to do with it. Ignore it, ask for the proof or just ask. We decided to ask and now A is mad that we went to them at all. I expected it to be because we didn’t just ignore it and was ready to accept that. The fact that it’s because we asked them rather than having a conversation with just the SO sort of threw me for a loop.

NYCgrrl · Jan 21, 2018

Speaking in generalities I trust everyone I know IRL until they prove to me are not trustworthy.
Once proven I'm pretty much done.
I do not base this feeling on he said, she said.

luvsJack · Jan 21, 2018

okeydokey said:
It’s impossible to say with the details, lack of, presented here? How are you directly impacted by this possible rumor? Are you? If not, then just let it play out.

Sorry just trying not to put too much out there. But yes we are directly impacted. Our whole family is.

luvsJack · Jan 21, 2018

NYCgrrl said:
Speaking in generalities I trust everyone I know IRL until they prove to me are not trustworthy.
Once proven I'm pretty much done.
I do not base this feeling on he said, she said.

I don’t normally either. We have known this person for about a year and have heard little stuff before but just brushed it off and went with what we thought we knew. But the longer we go, the harder it gets.

I think others saying just sit back and watch it play out may be the best. We are just going to have to put off making the before mentioned decision. Thanks guys. I know none of this makes sense but you still helped! Lol

lovemygoofy · Jan 21, 2018

luvsJack said:
I wish I could. I am neither A nor is A my husband. But we have a huge decision to make based on our feelings on this person. We don’t have to trust A as long as the SO does. But we do have to feel right about the decision we make before it hurts someone.

It is a lot of drama. I wish I had never been given the information. I do think that some of the people involved cause a lot of unecessary drama and have removed these people from our lives.

We held onto the information for a few weeks trying to decide what to do with it. Ignore it, ask for the proof or just ask. We decided to ask and now A is mad that we went to them at all. I expected it to be because we didn’t just ignore it and was ready to accept that. The fact that it’s because we asked them rather than having a conversation with just the SO sort of threw me for a loop.

If I'm tracking right and taking a stab in the dark, I'm guessing one of your children's SO's possibly cheated? You went to the child's SO instead of the child to talk about it?

If I am not right, sorry. But if you are involved with A because of A's SO then I would probably spoke with SO if you are closer/more related to that person and not A.

Also, honestly unless they bring this conversation to you. You aren't directly involved. The only way you are directly involved is if any of the people in this conflict is you or your husband. You said it is not either of you then you aren't directly impacted. The people in the middle of the drama is directly impacted and your relationship is collateral damage like everything else if not in the middle of the conflict. You are inserting yourself more than necessary.

Cannot_Wait_4Disney · Jan 21, 2018

Trust no one.

NYCgrrl · Jan 21, 2018

luvsJack said:
Sorry just trying not to put too much out there. But yes we are directly impacted. Our whole family is.

IF the family connection means I birthed one of the persons in question I might feel entitled to give advice/speak with others about the problem.
Everyone else including mother, sisters, and on down the line are entitled to choose their own life path and reap the reward or punishment accordingly.
The only proviso to the above is if they are doing something illegal.

morgan98 · Jan 21, 2018

luvsJack said:
I wish I could. I am neither A nor is A my husband. But we have a huge decision to make based on our feelings on this person. We don’t have to trust A as long as the SO does. But we do have to feel right about the decision we make before it hurts someone.

It is a lot of drama. I wish I had never been given the information. I do think that some of the people involved cause a lot of unecessary drama and have removed these people from our lives.

We held onto the information for a few weeks trying to decide what to do with it. Ignore it, ask for the proof or just ask. We decided to ask and now A is mad that we went to them at all. I expected it to be because we didn’t just ignore it and was ready to accept that. The fact that it’s because we asked them rather than having a conversation with just the SO sort of threw me for a loop.

If the SO of A is your direct family member, for whom for have obvious concern, have you spoken to them? And I mean put it all out there and discussed it with them? This may make you feel better about the situation because at least you know you did not sit back and watch unfold.

However, be prepared for the SO to be angry at you, perhaps not believe you and probably go and tell A what happened which will probably just escalate the situation.

I think I stand by my original advice of just sitting back and watching it happen and try to be supportive when and if it all goes does. If the person impacted is an adult, this is probably something they are going to have to sort through and process on their own.

You can't save people from bad things happening all of the time, unfortunately.

luvsJack · Jan 21, 2018

morgan98 said:
If the SO of A is your direct family member, for whom for have obvious concern, have you spoken to them? And I mean put it all out there and discussed it with them? This may make you feel better about the situation because at least you know you did not sit back and watch unfold.

However, be prepared for the SO to be angry at you, perhaps not believe you and probably go and tell A what happened which will probably just escalate the situation.

I think I stand by my original advice of just sitting back and watching it happen and try to be supportive when and if it all goes does. If the person impacted is an adult, this is probably something they are going to have to sort through and process on their own.

You can't save people from bad things happening all of the time, unfortunately.

Your last sentence is so true and so hard to face. But I guess we have to.

We spoke to A and the SO at the same time. We just told them both that we have been given some info and took some time to decide what, if anything to do with it. And we tried to make it clear that we were not accusing or necessarily believing it, just wanted them to know. Our plan was to make it clear, we didn’t even need to know if it was true or not. But they needed to figure out what to do with it.

The very initial reaction from both of them made us initially think that it was fine and both already knew this information was out there and it wasn’t a problem. But then A’s actions just seemed off and then refused to talk any longer about anything. So we left.

We had no intention to discuss it anymore especially not with anyone else. But A contacted A’s mother and she got involved in trying to tell us it wasn’t true but the problem with that was that she told me things that I know are untrue to try and prove it false. So she made a big mess of it.

We haven’t said anymore about it but when I see or talk to A it keeps getting brought up in a “joking” manner, which I found odd considering the panic attacks. But like I said, I have never had true anxiety so it wouldn’t be fair to judge that.

Oh well, like I said, we will just sit back and see how it all plays out It’s really all we can do at this point. I just needed to sort that out in my mind I guess.

NYCgrrl · Jan 21, 2018

You can answer in a joking manner about a serious problem and still have panic attacks regarding it.

Trusting Someone

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