Did your relationship negatively change with your college son?

[lukenick1]

I have seen a big disconnect between our son and us. It's almost like once he got a taste of freedom living away at College he doesn't need or want us in his life. When he is home he stays in his room and goes out with friends as much as possible. Has no interest in talking with us at all. It worries me so much that once he graduates he will cut us out of his life all together. We are paying for his tuition so he is stuck with us for now but I really don't feel like he appreciates it or us. Yes I was a helicopter parent I admit it. I am working on backing off but I am also sad that it has come to this. Is this just a phase or did I ruin our relationship? Even his sibling has commented how he doesn't interact with him either. I noticed this change once he joined a fraternity. I think going through the things he went through while pledging changed his personality. Yes I do think its good in some way because it toughened him up so to speak. Just feeling disconnected and concerned.
Can anyone else relate?

 

[olwyngdh]

My daughter got home from her freshman year at the beginning of May. If she is awake she is talking. I know more gossip about her college friends than I need to know. The differ4ence may be 2 things--their genders and the greek affiliation. My kid decided not to pledge a sorority. She has noticed changes in a friend of hers between 1st and 2nd semester when he started hanging out at a frat and talking pledging.

 

[soccerdad72]

No, ours is pretty similar to how it was during high school (e.g. sitting in his room not talking to us )

He does seem to talk more with our younger son lately, so that's a good thing.

 

[mom2rtk]

No, that didn't happen for us. Have you considered taking him to lunch one on one and having an open conversation about it? Maybe own anything that has happened in the past and tell him how you want to do better? Of course, it might have nothing to do with that, but at least you will have tried.

None of our kids went Greek though so I can't relate to that piece of it.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I’m sorry to read that. I have both a boy and a girl that graduated from college last year, and we didn’t have that issue with either of them. I do think those ages are a period of self-reflection and growing up (and in some cases, away) though, so I wouldn’t assume right now that your son will be like that forever. He’ll probably feel differently when things settle out later. But I can understand how it’s something you might worry about. I would watch him for signs of depression/anxiety, things like that, but otherwise, try to give him his space if that’s what he wants right now. Let him come to you; maybe he’ll see that he’s ”missing out” on being part of his family, etc. We can see that our kids’ lives are evolving now, with SOs and careers, etc., so we’re all trying to find our “new normal” ourselves. (And thankfully it includes plenty of time with the four, or six, of us together.) Timing of that is probably different for everyone. It’s possible it’s come early for your son. But my gut sense on this one is that it’s probably something else. Hang in there. I hope things improve over the summer. Is there anything special that the two of you could do together that you both enjoy?

 

[kymom99]

My son just graduated and our relationship is the same as ever.
However, when I was that age, the last thing I wanted to do was be around my parents. I went to school, worked, and went out. It annoyed my mom immensely. Eventually I came back around. I think your son is normal, but I would talk to him about respect. The frat friends will move on and he will still have his family.

 

[mjkacmom]

I’ve found that once my kids go to college, they are a lot more open and communicative, what is your relationship like? Once my kids go to college, they are adults in my eyes, we are close to being equals. I’ve never been a helicopter mom (dd18 and ds18 spent 4 nights last weekend at a cheesy motel down the shore with a ton of other high school student) although ds18 is spoiling the nest big time (not handing in assignments, being crabby and somewhat of a jerk). Ds23 just moved back home a week ago after being away for years (working remotely so saving money), but he’s free to do what he wants, and he talks to us.

 

[robinb]

I have seen a big disconnect between our son and us. It's almost like once he got a taste of freedom living away at College he doesn't need or want us in his life. When he is home he stays in his room and goes out with friends as much as possible. Has no interest in talking with us at all. It worries me so much that once he graduates he will cut us out of his life all together. We are paying for his tuition so he is stuck with us for now but I really don't feel like he appreciates it or us. Yes I was a helicopter parent I admit it. I am working on backing off but I am also sad that it has come to this. Is this just a phase or did I ruin our relationship? Even his sibling has commented how he doesn't interact with him either. I noticed this change once he joined a fraternity. I think going through the things he went through while pledging changed his personality. Yes I do think its good in some way because it toughened him up so to speak. Just feeling disconnected and concerned.
Can anyone else relate?

Yes. My DD is 21 and just graduated from college. She was home over the summer between her freshman and sophomore year and she too was "disconnected" and kept to herself. I think it is totally natural that young adults who have lived on their own at school are not the same when they return home. They are used to the freedom to make their own choices and are now back in their childhood home and they are no longer the same. His experience with the fraternity may have an effect on him, or it just might be that he's made more friends and met different people through the greek system. My DD was in a sorority where she made life-long friends even though she eventually outgrew the sorority.

I'm glad to hear that you are backing off from being a "helicopter parent". I know that you are involved from a place of love, but your son needs his own space and to live his own life. My DD refused to give me access to her college grade portal after her freshman year, even though I only checked grades at the end of the semester. I was mad because we too paid 100% of her college expenses, but I got over it and trusted her to do her work. I told myself that college is her dealio, not mine and she did great. She just graduated from a world-class university with a great GPA. I'm convinced that giving her my trust helped with her own confidence in her abilities.

I think that this is probably just a phase in your relationship as your son tries to establish himself as an individual instead of part of a family. People told me that my DD would circle back to our family in her 20's and I can see it starting to happen now. I respect her as an adult and in return she has started to show affection us again. Hang in there, resist interfering in his life, and don't stop telling him that you love him. He'll come back around {{hugs}}.

 

[HopperFan]

First it is hard for kids after their freshman year of living off on their own, not being responsible to anyone else. That is an adjustment to go from on your own to being back home. A COVID experience didn't help anyone. You will have to give him leeway in his independence. Once they live back home though they should have some house and family responsibilities. Maybe plan some fun things you know he would normally like to do with family and have some quality time every couple weeks to keep that connect.

You said you are paying his "tuition". Who is paying for his room, board, books, fraternity costs, car and insurance if he has one, cell phone, health insurance, spending money .... If he has a job and he's paying all that, great! If you are still paying all that then you all need to come to an agreement of what you expect from him, life is give and take. And perhaps let him know what you won't be paying for going forward so he can plan .... I know many who make the kids pay for greek life and other clubs because they are not important to getting an education. You sound underappreciated to me, and sounds like you feel that way too. Don't go through the next few years like that.

Also you say he's in his room and with friends .... does he have a summer job? If not I would tell him he needs to go get one asap because this fall he is going to be paying for ..... ex: fraternity, spending money.

My DS decided after year one of concentrated studies that he didn't want to go that route. In essence he would lose the entire year and he was terrified to tell Dad that he was changing directions and pursuing something less lucrative. After year two he hated the small college town atmosphere and wanted to return to big city. Loved his school but found the area was not for him. Again a transfer meant he lost credits. Now he was paying all his own tuition so that wasn't a hurt for us, but he was upset with himself maybe, with the whole process being pushed to commit to the major at 18, for trying to do something Dad would have wanted ... he survived and now has his Masters but there were bumps at times he didn't share with Dad.

Sometimes facing parents with some things whether it is major, grades, social gaffs, something that may have happened at the fraternity ... it is easier to sit alone in a room than feel like you aren't being open. Keep an eye, give him time and if you think something is going on other than growing up pains, perhaps look for a way to open conversation. And hopefully it's just growing pains.

 

[lukenick1]

First it is hard for kids after their freshman year of living off on their own, not being responsible to anyone else. That is an adjustment to go from on your own to being back home. A COVID experience didn't help anyone. You will have to give him leeway in his independence. Once they live back home though they should have some house and family responsibilities. Maybe plan some fun things you know he would normally like to do with family and have some quality time every couple weeks to keep that connect.

You said you are paying his "tuition". Who is paying for his room, board, books, fraternity costs, car and insurance if he has one, cell phone, health insurance, spending money .... If he has a job and he's paying all that, great! If you are still paying all that then you all need to come to an agreement of what you expect from him, life is give and take. And perhaps let him know what you won't be paying for going forward so he can plan .... I know many who make the kids pay for greek life and other clubs because they are not important to getting an education. You sound underappreciated to me, and sounds like you feel that way too. Don't go through the next few years like that.

Also you say he's in his room and with friends .... does he have a summer job? If not I would tell him he needs to go get one asap because this fall he is going to be paying for ..... ex: fraternity, spending money.

My DS decided after year one of concentrated studies that he didn't want to go that route. In essence he would lose the entire year and he was terrified to tell Dad that he was changing directions and pursuing something less lucrative. After year two he hated the small college town atmosphere and wanted to return to big city. Loved his school but found the area was not for him. Again a transfer meant he lost credits. Now he was paying all his own tuition so that wasn't a hurt for us, but he was upset with himself maybe, with the whole process being pushed to commit to the major at 18, for trying to do something Dad would have wanted ... he survived and now has his Masters but there were bumps at times he didn't share with Dad.

Sometimes facing parents with some things whether it is major, grades, social gaffs, something that may have happened at the fraternity ... it is easier to sit alone in a room than feel like you aren't being open. Keep an eye, give him time and if you think something is going on other than growing up pains, perhaps look for a way to open conversation. And hopefully it's just growing pains.

He works part time and we pay everything except gas, spending money and Frat stuff.

 

[HopperFan]

He works part time and we pay everything except gas, spending money and Frat stuff.

So you are paying a sizable amount since room and board are expensive let alone adding all those other things. I appreciate how you are feeling. We've all have moments of feeling like we are just the cash cow but college brings it to a whole new level.

 

[bennifer]

The first summer home between Freshman and Sophmore was hard for us. DS was used to his independence. For instance, he would fly off the handle when I would ask him if he would be home for dinner. I had to explain to him every day for 2 weeks that I wasn’t being nosy, I just wanted to know how much food to prepare so there wouldn’t be waste if there were too many leftovers. He stayed in the city he went to school at for the following 2 summers working and that was much easier for everyone. He did move home after college to save money and by that time it was much easier because he had matured enough.

 

[JLTraveling]

Not a parent, but as someone who went through something similar and had a lot of friends who did as well, my guess is that it's not so much that he's mad at you or intentionally shutting you out, as that he's feeling sort of "protective" of the new life he's built. It's awkward being back home for the first time after creating a brand new life, and it can feel like it's fragile and could all be taken away. I never went Greek, but I would imagine that the intensity of frat life just makes the feeling of home being a strange place even worse. I'd give it some time. Fast forward a bunch of years and I'm now sharing a house with my Dad (Mom passed a few years ago, and we were extremely close). It just took a couple of years for me to feel fully established enough as an adult that I felt comfortable inviting my parents back in.

 

[robinb]

So you are paying a sizable amount since room and board are expensive let alone adding all those other things. I appreciate how you are feeling. We've all have moments of feeling like we are just the cash cow but college brings it to a whole new level.

I paid 100% of my DD's college expenses including her sorority and I never felt like a "cash cow". I also don't get the vibe from the OP that she feels like a "cash cow" either, just that she is concerned that her son is putting space between him and the rest of the family. If you (the general you) bring money into the equation then you end up trying to control the situation by the purse strings which is bad for everyone.

FWIW, when my DD moved into an apartment her junior year we started giving her a stipend equal to the monthly Cost of Attendance recommendation at her university. She took care of paying her rent, utilities, groceries, gas for her car, etc. It gave her the experience of budgeting and paying bills on time without having her parents involved. She also had a job for her extra spending money.

 

[Kitty 34]

There were changes in our sons as they went off in the world (college/military) but I didn't see it as negative. They were just growing up and leaving the nest. It was happy/sad times for this Mama but it was meant to be. I'm very proud of all three now years later.

Hugs to you OP.

 

[lukenick1]

I definitely think it's a personality trait too. He has always been independent and reserved. I have another son and he is more open to talking with us but he NEVER wants to hang out with us or even eat dinner with us but he also hasn't been given the opportunity yet to go away to college. College and the Frat have definitely done something to my guy but at the same time I am happy he is independent. He started "hanging out" with a girl too so hopefully he will be happier and less grumpy with us.

 

[ronandannette]

Not a parent, but as someone who went through something similar and had a lot of friends who did as well, my guess is that it's not so much that he's mad at you or intentionally shutting you out, as that he's feeling sort of "protective" of the new life he's built. It's awkward being back home for the first time after creating a brand new life, and it can feel like it's fragile and could all be taken away. I never went Greek, but I would imagine that the intensity of frat life just makes the feeling of home being a strange place even worse. I'd give it some time. Fast forward a bunch of years and I'm now sharing a house with my Dad (Mom passed a few years ago, and we were extremely close). It just took a couple of years for me to feel fully established enough as an adult that I felt comfortable inviting my parents back in.

I think this is probably very close to what's going on. Early adulthood is literally the most self-centred time of a person's life. It's all about finding yourself and pursuing life with gusto. So many things to do and people to see! Those on the periphery can easily feel neglected and left out - and in fact they are; but not out of malice. Sadly, I treated my own very dear parents this way and am now getting it from my own son. I try to keep it in perspective - he'll grow and mature (like I did) and I look forward to a deeply loving and respectful two-way relationship in the future, but it will be much different than when he was a kid.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I wouldn't be extremely concerned. Sounds like normal stuff. Every kid goes through the phase where parents give them cramps in their style muscle. Some sooner than others. Some longer than others.

Plus, it's also a time where the bird is learning to fly on its own and leaving the nest. Soon, he will have his own family and his own life to lead.

 

[HopperFan]

I paid 100% of my DD's college expenses including her sorority and I never felt like a "cash cow". I also don't get the vibe from the OP that she feels like a "cash cow" either, just that she is concerned that her son is putting space between him and the rest of the family. If you (the general you) bring money into the equation then you end up trying to control the situation by the purse strings which is bad for everyone.

You are twisting my use of a slang term but that's okay.

OP SAID:

"We are paying for his tuition so he is stuck with us for now but I really don't feel like he appreciates it or us."

I read this and her later post that the parents are paying tuition, room, board, books, fees, health insurance, car insurance, phone bill .............. and their son is living with them but not interacting with them. She feels underappreciated.

We pay for our kids through their entire lives and we hope that by time they are an adult and going to college where they can see just how much additional we are paying for them .... there would be some appreciation and at very least be part of our family when you live with us.

At no point did she or any one say she was trying to control him. She just wants him part of the family, be part of their lives. She shouldn't have to feel hurt, and I'm not going to invalidate her experience because of my experience.

Everyone handles their college kids experience differently. I have two that graduated undergrad debt free and both have their masters degrees as well. In high school we sat with them and planned, agreed to who was paying for what and it was successful.

 

[bjscheel]

My daughter got home from her freshman year at the beginning of May. If she is awake she is talking. I know more gossip about her college friends than I need to know.

100% same from my sophomore girl.

OP I don't have advice of my own, however another forum I am on someone had a college boy come home and basically ignore the family in favor of Facetiming his new girlfriend all day. Some posters said to get tough, but the majority said to keep loving him, keep trying, and see if it gets better before long rather than risk driving him away. Maybe have some talks at least about being respectful to the family though.