Holidays Step Child only Comes to see us when we do something special

[Resara]

Have a teenage step daughter and she only comes over if we do something special. She wants the link of where we are going and then decides whether its good enough for her.
It used to be fine as she was often at our place often but now she only comes over if she wants to join the holiday or expensive outing. Its getting riduculous. I pay half and I feel used! No appreciation whatsoever.
Her bio grandfather feels the same way when she only comes over once a year for the Christmas envelope. We have both told her father but hé seems at lost on what to do..
Any advice?

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

She is a teenager and whether she is your daughter or step daughter, there are going to be times when she displays the very worst of teenage traits (as well as the good ones). Let her be self obsessed and selfish sometimes, if it isn’t causing anyone harm. These years don’t last long and it is so very important that her Father doesn’t do anything to damage a fragile (post divorce/death/new partner) relationship. Be kind and generous and hope that in adulthood she will follow your example.

 

[Resara]

Just a seperation 11 + years ago.
The thing we dont see her good side unless we pay for it.
I hope it works out and she doesnt become narcissitic.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Sounds like a family therapist might better help to work through the complexities of this relationship.
I wish you well with finding a solution.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

Oh dear. I remember that feeling but the behaviour does normally pass. Good luck.

 

[luvmy2babies]

I remember those days. My husband only saw his children during the summers because they lived out of state and every summer it was the same thing. They just weren't sure if they were coming and he'd end up telling them all the stuff they'd do and how they'd go shopping for school clothes if they came. Every now and then I'd say "Look, they don't have to stay the entire summer. Either they want to come or they don't...you shouldn't have to bribe them for 2 weeks out of an 8 or 9 week summer;" but to him (and probably your husband), it's desperate times. They miss their children and those words just go in one ear out of the other. It's tough to see your spouse dangling at the end of a rope held by a child.

Like someone else mentioned, that behavior did pass. Unfortunately we lost him when they were 20 and 22. And yes there was regret about how often they saw each other. In all that time he was trying to convince them to visit, he refused to share with him how his health really was. That was left to me after the fact.

 

[Resara]

I remember those days. My husband only saw his children during the summers because they lived out of state and every summer it was the same thing. They just weren't sure if they were coming and he'd end up telling them all the stuff they'd do and how they'd go shopping for school clothes if they came. Every now and then I'd say "Look, they don't have to stay the entire summer. Either they want to come or they don't...you shouldn't have to bribe them for 2 weeks out of an 8 or 9 week summer;" but to him (and probably your husband), it's desperate times. They miss their children and those words just go in one ear out of the other. It's tough to see your spouse dangling at the end of a rope held by a child.

Like someone else mentioned, that behavior did pass. Unfortunately we lost him when they were 20 and 22. And yes there was regret about how often they saw each other. In all that time he was trying to convince them to visit, he refused to share with him how his health really was. That was left to me after the fact.

Thank you for your helpful advice. Stepdaughter is only a twenty minute drive from ours so there would/could be plenty of opportunities but its always the same.. I guess I just have to take it as it is for now.. i am sorry for your loss btw!

 

[SG131]

I have to second that this sounds like normal teenage behavior. I didn't exactly want to hang out with my parents unless they were doing something really exciting either. My parents weren't separated, but I was still rarely home and if I was I was in my room or in the basement with friends. It was just a phase. Hopefully, it'll pass in a few years.

 

[carol48b]

Have a teenage step daughter and she only comes over if we do something special. She wants the link of where we are going and then decides whether its good enough for her.

We had 4 nephews who spent summers here at our house and in our pool - until they became 16yr olds with drivers licenses and realized there were girls in bikinis at the beaches. Haven't seen them at our house in 15 years! We occasionally see them at funerals and weddings. So, now that they are adults with kids of their own, we stopped the gift cards and presents. They have no time for those who were there for them when they needed us (during the parents divorces, problems with new step dads/moms). But, WE feel good that we were there for them. Good memories are worth their weight in gold. You don't need to keep footing the bill, they do fine without the handouts. No hard feelings.

 

[Disneyfan754321]

We had this happen to us, its funny how it works I was so upset at the time on the money spent. He would show up for school clothes and supplies Christmas presents etc. What was I suppose to do this was our sons brother. It really was a reflection of his mother and the kinda person she was that lead to the divorce. He stopped coming over when he was about sixteen and had friends and was always busy with them. Now looking back I'm glad we did, he would have never seem his brother. it really is a short time that they are in this selfish part of there life (hopefully) be glad that your child has family to spend time with.
Best of luck to you, you are not alone.

 

[_Kristi_]

Forget about the money part. For real. Extend the invitation for her to join you and leave it at that. Make her feel welcome in the family and leave the rest to her. If she wants to go, she will. Lead by example and show her you are open to a relationship with her when she's ready. Teens are notoriously difficult but if you manage to bite your tongue right now then you may have a deeper, more meaningful relationship later. Do your best to show her what good character looks like without judging her mom or saying anything negative.

 

[Resara]

We had 4 nephews who spent summers here at our house and in our pool - until they became 16yr olds with drivers licenses and realized there were girls in bikinis at the beaches. Haven't seen them at our house in 15 years! We occasionally see them at funerals and weddings. So, now that they are adults with kids of their own, we stopped the gift cards and presents. They have no time for those who were there for them when they needed us (during the parents divorces, problems with new step dads/moms). But, WE feel good that we were there for them. Good memories are worth their weight in gold. You don't need to keep footing the bill, they do fine without the handouts. No hard feelings.

Thanks for the advice. Deep down i know you are right..

 

[luvmy2babies]

Thank you for your helpful advice. Stepdaughter is only a twenty minute drive from ours so there would/could be plenty of opportunities but its always the same.. I guess I just have to take it as it is for now.. i am sorry for your loss btw!

It's frustrating; but it's really all you can do. The most frustrating part was watching my husband twist himself around. But I love them too and also had a daughter I wanted to have a relationship with her siblings so I had my own personal frustrations. Of course I wanted them and their dad to do all those things. I just didn't want that to be the reason they showed up. At the end of the day, it's important the door remain open for her. As others have stated, a lot of teens go through this phase of taking parents for granted.

 

[stephk1981]

As a child of divorce....I can say maybe step daughter still holds animosity towards the separation of her parents. If she lives with biomom you don't know what is said etc. Let your husband make the decision on whether or not to speak with her, it is his child. If you have a problem with paying half, you also need to speak with him.....your problem shouldn't be with your stepdaughter, she's a teen being a teen. Your problem as I see it, is your husband isn't addressing the situation ( which is his right, as he is the parent.) I went through very similar things with my mom and dad, even when I was 16 and they had been divorced almost a decade. Just remember, she was his daughter first, before you two married. I imagine as a stepmother it is frustrating, but his relationship with her is worth it ( even if she only comes ' for the cash' at Christmas right now.) My father remarried and I wouldn't even talk to my stepmother for years, I really just disliked that my father was with her.....I now have a great relationship with both my father and stepmother. She was kind, patient, giving and understanding until I was ready for a relationship with her. Good luck, be patient, your step daughter will grow out of this.

 

[Mrs Flick]

It wasn't quite as bad with my steps kids because we always saw them regularly but I certainly used to feel under appreciated and a bit resentful (especially during the teenage years) when we took them on some amazing holidays. However they are now adults and I now know that they were grateful and feel amazingly blessed to have had such great experiences. Grit your teeth, put it down to teenage selfishness and have faith that one day in the future you can look back and be glad you did

 

[Resara]

Forget about the money part. For real. Extend the invitation for her to join you and leave it at that. Make her feel welcome in the family and leave the rest to her. If she wants to go, she will. Lead by example and show her you are open to a relationship with her when she's ready. Teens are notoriously difficult but if you manage to bite your tongue right now then you may have a deeper, more meaningful relationship later. Do your best to show her what good character looks like without judging her mom or saying anything negative.

As a child of divorce....I can say maybe step daughter still holds animosity towards the separation of her parents. If she lives with biomom you don't know what is said etc. Let your husband make the decision on whether or not to speak with her, it is his child. If you have a problem with paying half, you also need to speak with him.....your problem shouldn't be with your stepdaughter, she's a teen being a teen. Your problem as I see it, is your husband isn't addressing the situation ( which is his right, as he is the parent.) I went through very similar things with my mom and dad, even when I was 16 and they had been divorced almost a decade. Just remember, she was his daughter first, before you two married. I imagine as a stepmother it is frustrating, but his relationship with her is worth it ( even if she only comes ' for the cash' at Christmas right now.) My father remarried and I wouldn't even talk to my stepmother for years, I really just disliked that my father was with her.....I now have a great relationship with both my father and stepmother. She was kind, patient, giving and understanding until I was ready for a relationship with her. Good luck, be patient, your step daughter will grow out of this.

Ive been there too trust me.. Step Mom and all. However, I never said I had a problem with her.. Read in full before commenting please.

 

[stephk1981]

Ive been there too trust me.. Step Mom and all. However, I never said I had a problem with her.. Read in full before commenting please.

I did read in full every word of each reply actually. You are stating the problems you are having with stepdaughter. I was simply saying those aren't your problems to be dealing with....they are your husband's. It is only my opinion, take it or leave it. If you are the one having a problem with her behavior, but your husband is not....my opinion is, there isn't much to do about it but live with it. Try to do so with Grace and maybe one day you and step daughter will be great friends.

 

[Resara]

I did read in full every word of each reply actually. You are stating the problems you are having with stepdaughter. I was simply saying those aren't your problems to be dealing with....they are your husband's. It is only my opinion, take it or leave it. If you are the one having a problem with her behavior, but your husband is not....my opinion is, there isn't much to do about it but live with it. Try to do so with Grace and maybe one day you and step daughter will be great friends.

I asked for advice for myself and my husband, who is a little at lost on how to deal with this but not happy about this situation at all. His own father is fed up.. Odd you think ones partners life doesnt involve eachother and that you assume I lack grace.. Everyone else on this forum has had constructive advice.. unlike you.

 

[stephk1981]

I asked for advice for myself and my husband, who is a little at lost on how to deal with this but not happy about this situation at all. His own father is fed up.. Odd you think ones partners life doesnt involve eachother and that you assume I lack grace.. Everyone else on this forum has had constructive advice.. unlike you.

It is an opinion, if it's not one you like, that's fine. I have been in the exact situation as your step daughter, take it or leave it. I never said you lack Grace.... those are your words. I said, do it with Grace and you all may end up as the best of friends. Perhaps you should read my reply before commenting

I also didn't say you weren't involved....you aren't her parent though. These are decisions your husband needs to make. Bottom line she is a teenager acting like a teenager. She's not being disrespectful, at least not as you have mentioned.

 

[Resara]

Telling someone to do something with grace is assuming that they may be without.. ive been there too as have many others.
Ciao